The very core of the Self is pure awareness and pure Will—the dynamic power capable of directing and mastering mind and body (Assagioli, 1965/2000). One Japanese proverb states, ‘‘To know and not to act is not to know at all.’’ Children instinctively know when parental commands carry weight and when they are empty threats. Like Eliza Doolittle, we become sick of words and the mindless chatter that clutters our heads and crave theshow-meSelf that can act.
DEVELOPMENT OF THE WILL
Will is born from the power struggles when the young are learning to be self-governing. Initially, it opposes the Will of caretakers trying to teach social order, especially when obstacles to thewill to pleasureare imposed. School-aged children use the Will to control those who can provide security, worth, or safety with theirwill to power. As teens internalize rules, they gain awill to dutyand learn to control instinctual impulses and drives. Maturation continues and the Will is freed from its
shackles as the independent Self embraces thewill to becomeand accomplishes one unfolding goal after another. These very successes cause a ripened interdependent Self to ponder,What does life want from me?instead ofWhat do I want from life?in its search for thewill to meaning(Frankl, 1963). Finally, the integrated and transcendent Selves practicewill without willingusing the Taoist principle ofeffortless effortthat works in harmony with the nature ‘‘to flow like water, reflect like a mirror, and respond like an echo instead of running around in circles’’ (Hoff, 1982, p. 85).
THREE PHASES OF WILLING—WISHING, CHOOSING, AND ACTING
The starting point for all self-change is thewill to become. It occurs in three stages.Wishingis the appetizer of action and requires people to reach deep inside to discover their longings, passions, and forgotten dreams (May, 1977). Such harmful thoughts—My needs aren’t important; If I want something, I’ll only be disappointed when I don’t get it; Others should know what I want; andMy desires might be a burden to others—are enemies of wishing. Likewise, thewill to pleasureor acting impulsively on any urge of the moment will thwart true accomplishment.
The independent Self exercises freedom in the second stage of will bychoosingwhat it wants.
True choosing must be accompanied by a personal bill of rights to make mistakes, have mixed emotions, break some rules, and to change one’s mind. There are endless ways to rationalize or minimize options—My parents couldn’t handle it if I left my wife; Bynotstudying hard, I won’t look stupid if I make a bad grade; I might lose control if I say what I feel. When people decide not to decide, they delegate decisions to others or to life itself and allow a situation to worsen until some external factor intervenes. Or, choices can be relegated to ‘‘the rules’’ or cultural values—‘‘The Bible says you cannot. . . . ’’ ‘‘Where I come from, children are supposed to live with their parents until marriage.’’ Guilt over past choices can create a paralysis, but guilt over choosing not to follow your dream is the ultimate despair.
The chasm between Walter Mitty dreams andactingin the third stage of Willing can appear formidable. There is a time for baby steps and a time for ultimatums. By consideringwhat am I willing and not willing to do, options can be examined and actions identified. A woman named Alice told her mother, ‘‘I will no longer do favors for you until you can show me you understand how I felt when your husband molested me many years ago.’’ This simple strategy finally erased her mother’s haunting words from her mind—‘‘You know you enjoyed what he did.’’
Taking Steps toward Change
Baby steps seduce people into healthy habits. Start an exercise program by requiring yourself to walk down your driveway everyday, and then to the next driveway, and so on. Just defining behavior as a decision often initiates change.
EXERCISING THE WILL
Strengthen resolve by exercising the Will, much like one would work a muscle. Little things can be done every day just for their challenge—get out of bed five minutes earlier, suck on a lifesaver without taking a bite, use being stuck in traffic as an opportunity to practice patience, and always state your preference when a group is making a decision instead of saying the proverbial, ‘‘I don’t care.’’ Conversely, practice making movements using the fewest number of muscles possible when you rise to a standing position after sitting on the floor to makeeffortless efforts. Sometimes the Will operates covertly and you realize a desired change has occurred after you have transformed in some small way. Many mornings you may wonder how you will ever make yourself leave the bed only to find yourself up five minutes later brushing your teeth.
Never stop believing in yourself. Trust that you will eventually make a desired change—you have your whole lifetime. Events worsening can inspire change. It may take your child having 50 more temper tantrums before you remove all her toys from her room and let her redeem one back for every day that she holds her fire. If you have panic attacks, you may remain imprisoned in your comfort zone until you are driven to take risks to feel the onset of anxiety.
Vignette 3: Odette
Odette had grieved her adult son’s death for several years. She was asked if she ever wanted to stop mourning (implying that she had a choice). When she agreed it would be good to go on with her life, she was asked to imagine how she would act differently if she did let go and what that change would mean.
Her tearful response was that if she enjoyed herself, it suggested that she no longer loved her son. Odette was then given an M&M to eat and asked if she could enjoy it and love her son at the same time, and that was a first step toward change.
Exercise 2
Past Will and Current Testament
People write a ‘‘Last Will and Testament’’ or ‘‘Living Wills,’’ but rarely do they establish intimate terms with their own Will. Use the following questions to recall how your Will has directed you in the past and how it is currently operating in your life.
1. What wish did you have as a child that came true because of your efforts?
2. What was the hardest decision you ever made or thing you ever did? Was it a one-time event, or did you have to decide/act over and over?
3. Have you ever found that you made a significant (desired) change in yourself and not even real- ized you wanted the change until you noticed you were different?
4. Did you ever wait for things to become intolerable before making a decision or willing yourself to take action?
5. Were you ever able to take a small step that resulted in a significant (desired) change?
6. Have you accomplished something that you thought would be hard by finding a shortcut or a way to work with thepowers that bethat made your efforts easier?
7. Was (is) the process of working toward your goal rewarding enough to make the outcome unim- portant?
(Continued) Empowering the Will
8. Did (does) anyone oppose your past accomplishment or current wishes?
9. What dreams and desires do you have now? Are they influenced by family, friends, culture, rebellion, greed, lust, or needs for attentionorare your wish(es) a way to express and stretch some part of yourself?
10. Do your current goals and desires involve meeting biological needs for food, rest, novelty, secur- ity, or sex? Do they necessitate changing or controlling others? Do they involve acquiring a skill, personal growth, or service to others that requires focus, self-control, concentration, and/or total involvement?
11. Do you have more regrets about the things you have done or the things you have not attempted?
Directions:Take time to reflect on these questions. When you are ready, write a ‘‘Past Will and Current Testament’’ in your journal. Use the third-person voice of your Will to give an historical account of how it has grown, changed, and directed you.
Vignette 4: Layla
I am Layla’s Will. When she was little, I helped her oppose people who had strange ideas about how to tie shoes or print the number nine. I taught her how to go along with others quickly to avoid such adult trickery as time-out, so that she did not get into trouble often. In turn, her mother yielded when I insisted she be able to wear five dresses at a time to preschool to achieve the southern-bell look, a juvenile goal that now appalls me.
But sometime in her youth, I turned my powers inward. Instead of resisting others, I wanted to help Layla develop abilities that I knew she had. Academics, dramatic flair, and social skill came easily to her.
Those arenas required little assistance from me. But at the studio, dance demanded discipline. Natural grace, rhythm, and limberness can do little without a Will to insist that postures, attitudes, and positions be perfected. Once-a-week classes became several-times-a-day events. For Layla, the goal was never to be a professional dancer; instead, it was the feel of getting it right and the fun of performances.
In high school, the call to put her well-trained body to use came from the draw of the dance team. At her small-town high school, Layla was the only dancer with significant studio training, which catapulted her into a position of leadership. But with this advance came one of the most difficult decisions I have yet had to make for Layla—to stay with the team (which was often more of a sideshow of humiliation) and attempt to turn it into a praiseworthy performance, or to return to the ivory tower of the studio.
I chose the greater challenge. I held Layla to task, making her choose quality over quantity at team auditions even though it meant wounding egos, doing push-ups with girls who did not practice, and giv- ing prima donnas corrective criticism that yielded Layla a crop of malevolent nicknames. But, by her senior year, there were dazzling performances, awards, and appreciative teammates.
Now, Layla is in her first year of college. When she did not make the university competition dance team, I would not let the pain of defeat crush her, reminding Layla that maybe she had been too picky in choosing just one team to audition for and directing her to a studio that delighted her with the level of training it offered. But dancing has given her much more than audience’s accolades. She has acquired a kinesthetic understanding of her body, knowledge of its physical limits, and a keen interest in anatomy—
all leading to the pursuit of orthopedic medicine.
I am very much with Layla now, strategizing ways to study molecular biology, college calculus, and other classes that will be far beyond any academic challenge she has ever faced. I look forward to helping her through the years of medical school to deliver her into a profession that will offer new goals and vistas.
Empowering the Will