MATERIAL MIND AND DIALOGUE
Vignette 1: Tony
‘‘I’ll never get all this work done. . . . This is too much for me. . . . They just keep piling it on, and I don’t know how I’m going to make my deadlines. . . . Meanwhile, my debts are piling up. How will I ever retire in 20 years? My 401(k) certainly won’t hold me. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m so exhausted. . . . I don’t even feel like getting out of bed and going to work. . . . ’’
staying with the department. . . .’’ ‘‘Stop!’’ Extra punch can be added by wearing a rubber band on the wrist and snapping it whenever a disturbing thought arises.
Debates are an improvement over monologues and occur naturally, but they pose several questions:
Who are the participants in the debate? If the first voice speaks with the pronounI, is that the ‘‘real person?’’ Is one side usually negative and the other positive? Is there a way of keeping debates from spiraling downward? Are encouragement, suggestions, reassurance, commands, explanations, attacks, and so on the most effective ways to help frightened, angry, or discouraged personality parts?
PREPARING FOR DIALOGUE
Before answering these questions, a preview is offered to show how this kind of debate can be turned into a dialogue. Tony’s therapist coached him to translate his random thoughts into observations and questions. Tony had identified an inner observer called ‘‘At Ease.’’ He was aware of a ‘‘People Pleaser’’ personality part that frequently made him anxious and an entity he called ‘‘Dark Man’’ who could raise his ire. At Ease had come to know those subpersonalities well and could often calm them when they became distressed. In the earlier monologue and debate, a new voice puzzled him:
a. Voice:You’llnever get all this work done. . . .They’repiling it on; it’s too much foryou.
b. At Ease: You sound gloomy (identifying which part is speaking), and you’re making dire predictions (label- ing the type of thought).
c. Gloomy Pusher: (Does not seem to be saying much.)
d. At Ease (continues thinking about this part): You sound like Tony’s mother. You get stuck thinking of the worst possible outcomes (labeling intentions).
e. Gloomy Pusher: (Still quiet, more relaxed.)
f. At Ease (feeling compassionate): I know you’re afraid for Tony (labeling feelings).
g. Gloomy Pusher: (Feels comforted.)
Tony and his therapist lapsed into normal conversation about his financial concerns without benefit of dia- logue and out popped the gloomy pusher:
h. Gloomy Pusher: Maybeyou’llmanage to getyourbills paid, but how willyouever have enough retirement money?
i. (Therapist’ssuggestion): You could buy a house, and in 20 years, you won’t have to worry about paying rent.
j. Gloomy Pusher: But in 20 years thepolar icecapswill have melted, and Florida will be underwater.
k. At Ease (takes command): That’s your best prediction yet! It sounds like your mother saying, ‘‘There’s no hope for salvation’’ (labeling type of thought and its source)!
l. Gloomy Pusher: But it really is true! All the carbon dioxide is warming up the planet exponentially.
m. At Ease: So now you’ve gone from rousing anxiety about retirement to the fate of the world (labeling feel- ings). How do you think this will help Tony (questioning purpose)?
n. Gloomy Pusher (seems more subdued, but not quite calm): Isn’t there somethingTonycan do?
o. At Ease: You don’t think Tony is doing enough to pay his bills or save the planet (questioning underlying demands)?
p. Gloomy Pusher: Maybehe’s doing all he can for now.
q. At Ease: (notices Gloomy is calm and relaxed).
FROM DEBATE TO DIALOGUE
The difference between debate and dialogue is found in the role of ‘‘At Ease’’ or the Self. It does not have an agenda or try to impose a point of view. This mysterious partner turns to the facet that has been activated, fully opens itself to what is being vocalized, seeks the meaning of the part’s message through making observations and asking questions, and listens with all its presence for responses to emerge.
Although not the first to speak, it is the central Self that actually initiates dialogue. Notice that the therapist started the second part of this dialogue with a suggestion (i), almost turning it into a debate.
Material Mind and Dialogue
Grammar of Personality Parts
A more obvious contrast between debate and dialogue is that the inner voice instigating issues (a) speaks in second or third person by using pronounsyou, he, she, his, her,they, or an actual name.
‘‘I’llnever get all this work done’’ becomes ‘‘You’llnever get all this work done.’’ This grammatical maneuver causes the gloomy part to disengage from the inner ‘‘I.’’ The process of dis-identification (see Glossary) is begun. Instead of dominating, the discouraged subpersonality is turned back into an internal object that can be faced, questioned, and redirected. The Self is free to observe, understand, and know; unencumbered by a facet referring to itself asI. The mysterious identity of the inner voice that describes thought patterns and probes (statements d, f, k, m, and o) is revealed as the true Self.
Now the question is raised—Who is this gloomy subpersonality addressing when it predicts (a)
‘‘You’llnever get all this work done?’’ Figure 5.1 ‘‘The Community of Self ’’ shows the central Self
Critic, controller Sadness Protector
Fear
Avoider Isolator
Pusher Driving
energy
Pleaser Anger
Blamer
Clinger
Boaster Central
Self
The Central Self is surrounded by (1)Distracters intent on controlling or avoiding the world and others and (2)Directors that try to rule (3)emotional energies with sub vocal messages. While Personality parts are busy handling the details of life, TheCenteral Selfis free to find balance and harmony, view the big picture and discover meaning and purpose. It is always available to dialogue with a part in distress.
Figure 5.1 The Community of Self Material Mind and Dialogue
surrounded by three personality components.Distractingparts take the pressure off ofemotional energiesby trying to control others. The use of the third-person pronountheyor referring to people and objects in the world (employers, polar icecaps, carbon dioxide) suggest their presence.
Directing personalitiesfocus on emotional energies, trying to control them with subvocal messages. They become stuck in various roles:
Controllersfixate on sad or excited feelings in an effort to keep them from becoming too ex- treme. Their rules are endless—‘‘Crying is a sign of weakness’’ or ‘‘Don’t be too happy or you’ll get disappointed.’’
Protectorsthink they are helping fearful parts by giving warnings of impending catastrophes—
‘‘You’ll get dizzy if you stand up for too long.’’ Of course, this creates self-fulfilling prophecies and more terror.
Pleasersdictate—‘‘Put your own needs aside and make others happy.’’ They attempt to control angry demons, but create resentment.
Pushers(Tony’s gloomy voice) order—‘‘You better do something! You won’t get your bills paid.’’
They overlook any constructive action that has been taken and insist on more.
Criticsare always ready to help any other dictating director.
Grammar of the Central Self
In the transition from debate to dialogue, the Central Self draws the attention of directing or
distracting parts away from emotional energies or worldly objects by refocusing them on the Central Self. Figures 5.2 and 5.3 (small sections from the ‘‘The Community of Self ’’ in Figure 5.1) illustrate this concept.
In Figure 5.2, the Pusher is playing on emotion with talk of pollution and polar ice caps melting, while in Figure 5.3, the Self’s persistent observations (‘‘You’re making predictions’’ and ‘‘You’ve gone from rousing concerns about retirement to anxiety about the fate of the world.’’) have rotated the Pusher 90 degrees, leaving Tony’s energy unhampered by the fretting, Gloomy Pusher.
It is very important that the Self speak backtoany personality part that emerges with a voice that uses the second-person pronounyou—‘‘That’s your best prediction yet . . .’’ The Self should speak aboutthe individual in the third person using his or her name—‘‘You don’t thinkTonyis doing enough . . . ?’’ versus ‘‘You don’t thinkI’mdoing enough . . . ?’’ The Self remains neutral, objective, and above the fray. It is a constant, unlabeled, inner Being that refers to the person that must be
Central Self
Pusher emotion
Figure 5.2 Pusher in Debate Material Mind and Dialogue
named in the course of doing business with the world. It is interesting that when the Gloomy Pusher (in the example) finally turns to face the Central Self, it also talksaboutTony—(g) ‘‘Isn’t there somethingTony can do?’’ and (i) ‘‘Maybehe’sdoing allhecan.’’ It has ceased to bash vulnerable energies with ‘‘You’’statements—(a) ‘‘You’ll never have enough retirement money.’’ and (c) ‘‘You’ll be underwater.’’
A One-on-One Process
The Central Self deals with directors and distracters one at a time. It does not have to keep them all pointed inward simultaneously as the mandala that starts this chapter would suggest. In the following vignette, after calming a critical protector, Inner Being turns to face a feisty distracter.
Central Self
Pusher emotion
Figure 5.3 Pusher in Dialogue