CHAPTER 4: PRESENTATION OF FINDINGS 4.1 Introduction
4.2.2 Experiential Theme: Factors that encourage women to engage in these practices
4.2.2.1 Sub-theme: Dependency Theory (marginalization, subordination, discrimination and stigmatization)
In previous generations in the Zulu culture it was a disgrace for a married woman to work. It reflected badly on the husband and portrayed him as a failure who could not support his family. Therefore you would find that an illiterate, traditional woman did not work. Nowadays, women work when they have a career or
profession. When they do not have these they usually work as domestic workers for more educated women. The study participants complained that their migrant men do not send them enough money to support them and their children. They said that they could not make ends meet and so suffer poverty, as they are not career women. Being uneducated and having no means to be self-reliant forces women to depend on their husbands for financial support. They also complained that some of the men who send money home send it through the mother-in-law, making them (the wives) discriminated against and therefore subordinated.
When asked how long mothers-in-law continue to be an integral part of their married son's life, the participants said that the son's wife is free to enjoy her marriage only when these two women no longer share the kitchen. This refers to when the son's wife has been culturally assigned to cook alone for her children and husband in her own kitchen. This explanation of the young married woman shows very limited autonomy of women in marriage as they are still treated like children by their mothers-in-law.
The participants complained that since there are more pre-marital pregnancies with men not maintaining the illegitimate children, the mother-in-law would support the daughters' children with the son's money because their mothers are unemployed. On the other hand, the son's children only get very little support from their father's money. The woman cannot raise a complaint against this, as daughters-in-law are usually perceived as not liking the husband's mother. This showed how discriminated, marginalized and subordinated married women are in their marriages. One participant expressed herself disappointedly as follows:
"Sometimes my mother-in-law would phone my husband and he will then phone me and say, "Give mother so much money". She would not talk to me first, which shows that there are things that they discuss without involving me. When unmarried educated and employed women see this they say that they will never get married because' emzini kuyahlushekwa" (women are ill-treated in marriage).
In the above discussions on dependency theory factors showing how women were marginalized, discriminated against and subordinated were highlighted.
Firstly, in this rural area it is still not fully accepted that married women who have
no career (as most of them are not well educated) are not free to leave their homes to work. Some cultural practices like lobolo and the relationship between the wife and the in-laws perpetuate the marginalization of women resulting in their discrimination and dependency on men both economically and sexually.
They remain subservient and subordinated to their husbands who refuse condom use.
4.2.2.2 Sub-theme: Socialization (Gender, culture and religion)
Gender, culture and religion are the agents of socialization where beliefs, norms and values of a particular culture are taught at a very young age so that they are internalized and maintained in a society. In Section 4.2.2.1 above, the participants showed submissiveness to their husbands. When asked how this practice came about they said that women's subordination to men and their submissive state is attributable to their socialization where women were taught that they should be submissive to their husbands. They pointed out the special arrangement that, when a girl gets married, older women in the family would sit down with her and give the following 'counselling':
"Never answer back, do what ever he says, do not question him, what has he taken away with him that he will not bring back?" (Meaning that the penis that he has gone away with to other women, will be returned);
and statements like these:
"Ungabheki emuva (never return home)
Ithuna lentombazane lisemzini" (a girl's grave is in her marriage/a married woman stays in her marriage until death).
Participants were also aware that culture allows men to have several women while women are supposed to have only one man. They said that this is also
perpetuated from childhood socialization where boys are called amasoka and according to them this continues throughout manhood. Participants said that it is through having multiple partners before marriage that men are encouraged to engage in polygamous marriages. "They can't stay with one woman" as one participant verbalized. Participants were aware that it is unacceptable and a disgrace for women to engage in the same practices.
The issue of virginity testing was mentioned as the way key informants were brought up in their days. This was during the era of the amaqhikiza (older girls who looked after and taught the younger girls acceptable womanly behaviour) who saw to it that the younger girls were brought up according to the accepted norms and values so that they would get married without having children first or having not lost their virginity. Some religions seem to perpetuate or encourage polygamy, as the one of the key informants expressed:
(I: Interviewer; P: Participant)
/: But your husband has two wives.
P: No, we are three.
I: But why did he have 3 wives if he was a churchgoer?
P: Yes he was. You know we belong to Shembe Church. They even take 10 wives.
I: But how did you meet because you said you were staying at Dukuduku and he was here?
P: I have said that we met at the church. You have heard about conventions that occur at KwaNhlangakazi, at Judea, at Ekuphakameni and at EBuhleni? (The interviewer agreed). We met in those places. Then we got engaged in church. He then paid ilobolo at my home. You know, they finish paying ilobolo within a short time. In the following convention we got married and then came back home to make a ceremony.
I: So, are you the older wife?
P: No I am the second wife. The others are still alive. The one I come after and the one who came after me.
The above narration clearly illustrates how culture works hand in hand with religion in the process of socialization. Culture and religion are both the agents of gender where girls are expected to strictly adhere to preserving their virginity while men are not expected to behave the same. As shown in the earlier sections, participants were aware that girls marry men much older than they are, which can later have an effect on their sexual activity. When considering meeting the sexual needs of a married woman if her husband has 3 wives but comes home for only one weekend, therein lies the explanation why participants complained of men being unable to satisfy all these wives sexually. This will drive them to engage in amashende relations. Perturbed, this key informant said,
"Christianity says you are one - united in marriage, but the Zulu culture says that a married woman is nothing. Even if a man sleeps out or goes and comes back with another woman, he wakes you up to make a bed and food for the other woman so that they can sleep".
One younger married participant admitted having just heard that there were amaqhikiza but had not seen them in her time. She said that in the place of amaqhikiza was her older sister. "I think those with no elder sisters are taught by their mothers." However, she stated that her mother was not able to say anything to her concerning sexuality education. She just spoke superficially and did not talk deeply. She and her siblings feared their mother. They were not able to ask her anything. It was her sister to whom they were able to talk about sex. The
participant shared the kind of talks they had with their sister in the following illustration:
"...Like sexual behaviour, when you are a girl and how to behave when you have fallen in love with a man. That you must not discuss sexual intercourse with him before he sees your parents and starts to pay ilobolo. That's what happened to me. I started to have sex with him only when he had already paid ilobolo at home".
There is however a shift of trend here. When amaqhikiza and the church played a major role in shaping young girls' behaviour, the young girls were not supposed to be involved in sexual intercourse before marriage. The trend has changed in modern society when the female siblings took the place of amaqhikiza and the church. Sexual intercourse seemed permissible as long as ilobolo had been paid.
"It depends on the kind of home you were brought up in. If you had good conduct when you were young, you would not be involved in such behaviour. Bad behaviour happens because women today go out of their homes to seek men. This starts when they are still girls. They follow men. It's no longer a man only who takes the initiative. We used to see a boy/man walking up and down outside there wanting to see a girl but it's a girl today who knocks at the door and say "I want to see Siphiwe" (the boy). This tells me that if a girl from another homestead could do this, even my own girl could do the same".
When the participants were asked what could be done to address this situation they seemed unable to come up with a strategy. In fact they seemed unable to control their own children, as is seen in the following passage:
(I: Interviewer; P: Participant)
P: I don't know what should be done because even if you tell the children they don't want to hear what you're saying.
I: In other words children do not listen?
P: They don't listen.
I: But there's nothing that can't be stopped. What could be done?
P: I don't know because when a person is grown up they make their own decisions even if you warn them they don't stop.
Being able to pay ilobolo gives a man in the community status. Hence there is a saying: "ubuhle bendonda 'zinkomo" (a man's beauty is in his ability to pay ilobolo). No matter how brilliant or attractive he is, if he is not able to pay ilobolo he is just useless. To be able to pay ilobolo gives him the pride of being a real man amongst other men and also gives him power over the woman's sexual life.
He does not expect a woman to deny him his sexual rights, which is to sleep with him under any circumstances. Referring to condom use one participant said:
(I: Interviewer; P: Participant)
Men say, "You don't trust me. I can't start using it now. Since I was born I have never used them" or "You have another man" or "I paid ilobolo so you can't tell me to use a condom".
I: What do you do then?
P: You prove him wrong by letting him sleep with you.
I: But you can refuse when you are in polygamy because he took the other wife because he loves you less
P: She can't refuse as she also needs the very thing that brings the disease (penis).
Moreover you have to bear children.
The above sub-theme showed how gender, culture and religion intertwine as agents of socialization to perpetuate women's submissiveness to men. In different eras there had been structures set in place to reinforce this and also work at each life passage. At each initiation passage, women are taught to respect men. Ilobolo was still mentioned in this sub-theme as also causing women submissiveness to men. This results in men feeling that they own their women and accuse them of infidelity when trying to negotiate condom use. In this way women succumb to having unprotected sex to prove their trustworthiness in their relationships.
4.2.2.3 Sub-theme: Lack of sexual satisfaction
Another factor that was mentioned as contributing to women of migrant men engaging in extramarital relationships in the absence of their husbands was their lack of sexual satisfaction. This was stated as usually occurring despite the fact that some migrant men visit their wives occasionally.
"They arrive home on Saturday morning and go back to work on Sunday afternoon with taxis to Johannesburg. As soon as he comes he'll go to the neighbours where there is isiZulu beer, umsebenzi, traditional rituals or a wedding. He'll come back in the evening brought by his friends unable even to walkl due to drunkenness. The first thing he'll want is sleep. He'll sleep the whole night or, with luck he'll wake up in the morning and have sex once. The woman doesn't even enjoy it because she is cross with him, and in the afternoon he takes a taxi back to work. He'll come back at the end of the month or after 2 months".
Other married women participants in a focus group discussion pointed out unanimously that because of their husbands' involvement in alcohol abuse, the woman would thus have ishende for sexual satisfaction. For the same reason of sexual frustration men refuse to use condoms with their wives even while having other sexual partners thus engaging in unsafe sexual practices. To this one of the participants said:
A man would say to his wife "You have another man, that's why you want us to use a condom" then the wife wants to prove him wrong and has sex without a condom.
A problem of men not wanting to use protection was also expressed by unmarried focus group participants as it happens with their own boyfriends. All younger participants said that they were aware that men make such accusations deliberately to make women submissive and force them to agree to sleep with
them without protection, which is an issue of gender power relations. They also admitted that women are not empowered enough to refuse their husbands' sexual advances and that men also know this weakness. When asked if it is ilobolo that causes this mentality, the participants complained that married women are subordinated as they are not allowed to express opinions on sexual matters nor do they have power to make decisions on these. They said that they could not refuse to have sex without a condom even if a man is known to have other sexual partners. The participants also agreed that Ilobolo plays a major role in this as is narrated below.
"We cannot say anything in this regard as the man paid ilobolo. The family members of both the woman and the man exert pressure on the woman because the man will gather his family and report the matter. They will tend to be against the woman in the name of ilobolo that was paid for her".
On the other hand, one key informant did not accept this as true. She said, "No one says anything about ilobolo because it is just the exchange of gifts" This was said in such a way that it was obvious that this old woman was just saying it for self-protection.
Another factor that causes women tc engage in extramarital relationships was expressed by the participants as follows:
"Ubufebe-nje. (Downright promiscuity or low moralsj. Some women are just promiscuous.
Others do it because of having no conscience of what is wrong."
The sub-theme showed how in some cases, the lack of sexual satisfaction drives women of migrant men to have other sexual partners in the absence of their
migrant husbands. Migrant men rarely come home from work to visit their wives and if they do they do not satisfy their wives' sexual desires due to alcohol abuse and involvement with other women. This was a factor that was identified by the participants as contributing to their vulnerability to HIV infection, because when they do have sexual intercourse with their husbands, they do so without protection.
4.2.3 Experiential theme: Resource availability: societal and environmental