CHAPTER 4: RESULTS
4.3 Dominant sexual activity dynamics
4.3.5 Inter-generational sex
It seemed as if it was a social expectation that a man should be older than his female partner in a relationship. These relationships usually had an age difference of about five to eight years at most. An illustration of this was found in the following extract from a focus group of men aged between 26-34 years. The participants explain that it is uncommon for a man to be in a relationship with a woman older than he is. If it happens that the woman is older than the man, it is normally unappreciated in the community. The participants used statements “that’s when people are going to start talking” (lines 524-525) and “then people start throwing their eyes up” (line 529) to emphasise how it becomes uncomfortable to be in a relationship with a woman older than they are.
Extract 47
522 P1: ((laughs))Then there is nothing funny about that that they don’t say anything. For example at 523 my age I go out with a girl who is 18 years, no one will see that as strange. But when it comes to me, 524 being 30 years as I am, and I go out with a lady who is 42 years old, that’s when people are going to 525 start talking.
526 P2: Even though you are passing the test though.
527 P3: The thing that has made many things change now, that now we are like five years older than 528 our girlfriends. But our fathers are like seven years older than our mothers, like it’s true really. When 529 it comes to a woman who is older than the men, then people start throwing their eyes up. When it is 530 a woman who is younger, I don’t know what made it like that because I don’t think I know of anyone 531 who has wished that they could get someone who was older than them. Even a girl, once you date 532 her and she is fine and you find out that she is older than you, you become like huh uh, no man.
533 There is that concern. I mean for me that is.
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Another illustration is from an extract, from a focus group of women aged between 35-45 years. The participant confirms that it is common for women to be in relationships with older men but uncommon for men to date older women.
Extract 48
411 P: No, I want to say that with us it happens here on the side of the girls, I have proof of 412 that. Where a small child goes out with an older guy but with the boys it’s rare, it only 413 happens there in the townships.
However, the data also indicate that some sexual relations in this research area are between a young man and an older woman. An illustration of this is found in the following extract from a focus group of women aged between 26-34 years. Participants argued that these relationships are due to “security reasons” (lines 341-342). They explained that their children are unemployed and possibly need financial assistance from older women. Participant 3 argued that the most common inter-generational relationships are “mostly women in relationships with young men” (lines 352-353). This could have been an exaggeration because these relationships are seen as inappropriate compared to when a man in a relationship is older than his female partner. The participant could be referring to something that is not common.
Extract 49
341 P3: The one thing I see as the reason for young people going to older people is for security 342 reasons. Like maybe the woman has things, and so our children don’t work mos, they don’t have 343 anything. So the young man gets with this woman because she gives him everything that he needs as 344 a young man, you see, and so he gets with her even though he sees that she is my mother’s age, but 345 she can afford all the things that I want she gives me so in that relationship you can see that it 346 depends on one benefitting.
347 I: Yes, one of them is dependent on the other.
348 PPs: Yes, yes, that’s true.
349 I: Ok, maybe which one is more common here, is it a woman in a relationship with a younger 350 guy or is it a man in a relationship with a young girl?
351 I: According to here in Ematyholweni, or is it the same?
352 P3: The one which we have seen, and they can agree with me, it is mostly women in relationships 353 with young men, and we have seen that here, more than once.
354 P1: mm yes
In the extract below, from a focus group of men aged between 46-60 years, participants agree that people engage in relationships with people who are considerably older than they are for financial purposes. Participant 3 (lines 193 to 195) argued that people get into relationships with older people because they want money. Thus, the need for financial support drives people into relationships with older people.
71 Extract 50
187 P1: Yes that’s the one thing that definitely happens. An older person is in a relationship with a 188 younger person and a younger person is in a relationship with an older person.
189 I: Do you agree with that?
190 PPs: ((laughter)))
191 P2: Yes I agree, it’s like that.
192 I: P2 agrees, he says its like that. Oh so that happens. What makes that happen?
193 P3: It’s two things. It can happen that me as an older person I am older than this child [girl]. This 194 child maybe wants money from me. And it can also happen that I as a younger guy, this woman has 195 money.
196 I: She has money, you want this money.
197 P3: Yes I want this money that she has.
198 I: mm. So it’s money.
199 P3: It’s the purse.
Another illustration of this is from a focus group of men aged between 35-45 years, participants confirm that it is common for younger people to be in relationships with people who are older than they are. The participant explains that older people are able to buy younger people things they cannot afford and in the end the younger person would sleep with them.
Extract 51
103 I: Does it happen that younger people are in relationships with people who are way older than 104 them or people who are way younger than them?
105 P: That does happen. With these children of today, these young children, we know that our
106 children believe in money now.You as an older person, you will keep buying her her things and she will 107 realise that, no man, other things I don’t get from elsewhere, I get them from this old man. Yes,
108 and then she ends up sleeping with this old man.
Some participants suggested that age difference may affect risk management between partners.
In the extract below, from a focus group of women aged between 18-24 years, the participant suggests that if one is in a relationship with an older person, you may be fearful of telling him or her to use a condom.
Extract 52
127 P: [clears throat] I think when a person meets with an older person, then this he or she 128 won’t say it to this old person, maybe he or she is scared =
129 I: =yes
130 P: to tell him or her to use a condom.
The data suggest that men were expected to be in control of the relationship. The next section will consider men’s control of sexual activity.
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