CHAPTER 4: RESULTS
4.3 Dominant sexual activity dynamics
4.3.3 Multiple sexual partners
64 Extract 36
89 I: So you never used a condom before?
90 P: No, I don’t. ((laughter))
91 I: You don’t even know how it looks?
92 P: We’ve never used it.
There was normalisation and tolerance of men’s extramarital relations. Men were perceived as people who cannot have one partner all the time, and men’s sexual drive was seen as something that was difficult to control. In the following extract, a man in a focus group of men in the age range 46-60 years indicates that his wife knows that he may have sex outside marriage and therefore advises him to use condoms, stating “you see a man has what are called iminqweno[desires] you see that” (in line 369). This statement suggests that men are not able to control their sexual urges and this situation is expected of them.
Extract 37
392 I: Ok, mm I see. but in marriage now do people talk now, like will the husband say to his wife 393 that there are such and such things out there, diseases, or maybe the wife, who is the one that 394 always speaks about these things and these things out there.
395 P: With me it is usually my wife who usually tells me that, no my husband, whatever happens, 396 you see a man has what are called iminqweno [desires] you see that, and she tells me that even if 397 you are out there and you are doing something there, please use a condom.
398 I: Ok.
399 P: Uh, and she tells me like that, that please, whatever happens please use a condom.
Many married women have accepted this perception and are not challenging their husbands’
infidelity. They do not seem to directly oppose their husbands’ infidelity but rather advise them use condoms when engaging in sex with other sexual partners.
This normalisation of the expectation that men will have sex outside of their acknowledged relationship was not only common to married couples. Men in general were assumed to have multiple sexual relationships. This will be elaborated in the next sub-section.
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speaks to her partner about the risk of unsafe sex because there is the possibility of him having another partner outside the relationship. She agrees that they speak about the risk of unsafe sex because multiple sexual partnerships are ‘common’ among men (lines 51 and 58) and she often asks her partner to use condoms outside the relationship (line 54).
Extract: 38
45 I: So in this relationship do you discuss the: risk of unsafe sex? Or do you speak about 46 them?
… 51 P: = Yes, we do speak about it because a man can have more than one woman and if he were to 52 meet one then he should use a condom.
53 I: He calls how?
54 P: He calls in a sense that he may have another woman.
55 I: Oh:
56 P: Yes so if he were to be with that other woman (.) then he must use a condom=
57 I: = Oh:
58 P: Because you never know, a man may have more than one woman.
Another example is from an interview with a young unmarried woman in the age range 18-25 years. She agrees that she talks about the risks in a relationship and advises her boyfriend to use condoms with other partners.
Extract 39
59 P: So I say to him if he does meet some other girl he must please use a condom.
Another example is found in the following extract from a male focus group discussion aged between 46-60 years. One of the participants commented that if a man has many sexual partners, he is viewed as a “very healthy man” (line 816), while a woman with many sexual partners is given “very bad names” (line 818). The words “very healthy man” seems to indicate that having many partners among men was encouraged.
Extract 40
815 P:… If you are a man and you have many women, like four, you 816 are taken as a very healthy man.
817 I: You are very healthy if you as one person have many people.
818 P: But if you are a woman and you have many men, then we will give you very bad names.
It seems as if, in this context, it is expected that young men will also have multiple sexual partners. This was reflected in the young men’s focus group discussion in the age range of 18- 25 years. Young men equated having one sexual partner with the monotony of eating samp all
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the time: “You can’t eat samp all the time” (line 873, extract below), suggesting that a man needs to have diversity in sexual experiences. Sex with one sexual partner was perceived as unexciting. They also equated having one sexual partner with looking at only one side, like an axe: “You will never look to one side like you’re an axe man” (line 872), which means a man should have multiple partners and not be like an axe, which can only cut on one side. They used the phrase “You have to eat people” (line 874) to indicate that engaging in sex with variety of sexual partners is necessary.
These young men indicated that having multiple partners was crucial to their identity. They stated that if one has multiple partners, “it means that you are ‘udlalane’, you are ‘isibethi’”
(line 878) which means one is a ‘player’. Being a player gives one a good reputation amongst one’s peers. However, the participants are able to associate multiple sexual partners with the risk of AIDS (lines 880-882). This does not turn into behaviour change because these young men believe that they have a sexual drive which needs to be satisfied: “we are never satisfied”
(line 883). The following extract reflects young men’s views on multiple sexual partnerships. It is from a focus group of young men aged between 18-25 years.
Extract 41
867 I: So for people who are in relationships, that have a partner that they are in a
868 relationship with, does it happen that they have multiple partners? (.4) So when you have a 869 girlfriend mos?
870 PPs: Ja.
871 I: Is it that girl only?
872 P1: Huh uh you, you you will never look to one side like you’re an axe man.
873 P2: You can’t eat samp all the time, all these years you’re eating the same thing.
874 P1: No, you have to eat people (.2) 875 I: You’re saying that-
876 P1: You need to have many girlfriends you must not have one girlfriend.
878 P1: It means that you are ‘udlalane’, you are ‘isibethi’.
879 PPs: ((laughing))
880 P3: Are(h)n’t you a person who’s looking for AIDS?
881 I: ((laughs))
882 P1: You are person who’s looking for AIDS then ((laughing)), (unclear) that Azania there 883 P2: there are no relationships now, we just want to taste us, we are never satisfied.
Failure to have a girlfriend or many girlfriends carried the risk of being looked down on and ridiculed by one’s peers. An example of this is found in the following extract from the same focus group of young men aged between 18-25 years. The participant argued that no one would like to be labelled “isishumane” (line 506) because he will be the “only one without a person”
(line 507). A man without girlfriends is perceived as shoemaker, isishumane, a person who
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idles around repairing shoes and does not have a positive identity in the community. This term is used to define a man who does not have a girlfriend. The participant indicated that “being called isishumane” is derogatory for men (line 506).
Extract 42
506 P: You will never like being called isishumane, if you are isishume [unclear] you are the 507 only one without a person, you see that’s not right.
Some young women also indicated acceptance of this behaviour. An example is found in the extract below from a focus group of young women aged between 18-24 years. The participants say that it is possible that, because of love, they would stay in a relationship with a young man even when they know that he is not faithful and has multiple partners. One of the participants used the word “endure” (line 634) to emphasise that she would put up with the relationship regardless of the circumstances. In lines 638-639, she shows that she tolerates this behaviour, and would ‘share’ (line 634) her partner, as long as she has an opportunity to see him.
Extract 43
627 I: You said that maybe you are not happy (.) you see (.) but you are going to endure even 628 if he is wrong; how does that happen? What has he done maybe, that makes you continue to love 629 him?
630 P1: Maybe he is loved by other people.
631 I: You love other people?
632 P2: Him maybe he is loved by other girls.
633 I: Oh
634 P3: So you reckon that you are going to endure, you are going to share him because even you 635 love him also.
636 I: mm. And how do you do that?
637 (.)
638 P3: You do it in the sense that, if he gives you your time then there is no problem (.) when he 639 gives you maybe the time that you need him.
Alcohol was seen as a facilitator of multiple sexual encounters. The theme below discusses this issue.