The kinds of subjects constructed in the service-learning process
6.4 Complicated subjects
6.4.5 The guilty subject
1507) and “Who would have imagined” (line 1509). Lisa and Mary joined in this construction of this event as significant. Lisa used the term “taboo” (line 1511), which indicates that which is prohibited or forbidden, thus strengthening the significance of the talk of liberation. In this excerpt, there was also a lot of overlapping speech indicating the rapid pace used by the speakers, to intensify the importance of the event.
The enlightened subject is thus one who has moved to a new level of awareness, knowing and doing. Being positioned as enlightened infers the existence of others who are not enlightened, and a previous form of subjectivity where one was unenlightened. The enlightened subject therefore has a claim to a higher state of knowing and being. The enlightened subject has been freed from the previous restrictions on her being, enabling clearer vision and sense of purpose. This clarity of understanding may provide her with some distance from the preoccupations of the overwhelmed or frustrated subject or, alternatively, it may give her renewed vigour to pursue her goals. The enlightened subject is able to chart the way forward.
Kate: Ja
307 Anna: Oh white guilt
308 Carol: Ja
309 Anna: He he
310 Elle: But also (.) don’t you also feel like (.) not necessarily only white people 311 but it’s the more privileged going into the under privileged
312 Group: Ja
313 Elle: It’s the more privileged guilt (.) I found
314 Anna: Ja
315 Elle: Like (.) [example (.) I went to the school] with my watch yesterday 316 Anna: [But that article was quite old]
317 Elle: And it’s a Guess watch (.) and the onl (.) the only time the one group of 318 kids spoke to me was like (.) oh look you have a Guess watch (.) you have a 319 Guess watch (.) oooo and I had to (.) and I felt so guilty [and I was like oh no 320 it’s not real it’s] a fake watch
321 Lisa: [You feel guilty for
322 having that]
323 Elle: And then I read well (.) and then like I reflected on reading cos I read the 324 article before and I’m like (.) oh my gosh (.) I completely understand like (.) 325 just a wa having a watch
326 Carol: Ja
327 Elle: Saying Guess and I’m now this privileged person = 328 (Session 4)
This piece of talk is interesting for a number of reasons. It is one of the places during the sessions where the issue of race needed to be negotiated between the participants, and not just at their community sites. It was also complicated by the nature of Elle’s confession, and admission of guilt and fabrication.
Kate raised the issue of race and privilege and how these position white people in particular ways in communities, which may make it difficult for community-based interventions to be well received. She emphasised that acts of this kind in communities may be to ease the conscience of those who had previously been advantaged. She stated, “you tryna like un (.) you tryna feel better about what happened in the past” (lines 301-302). She did not identify with this position and used the pronoun “you” (line 301) to distance herself from this stance. Her use of the term “he says poor white me” (line 304) also indicated a lack of identification with this position. The many pauses in her talk, and the “it’s like” (lines 298;
301) indicated that this was difficult for her to state. I acknowledged her attempt to question motives and named it “white guilt” (line 308), which Anna agreed with, with a
nervous laugh. Elle disputed the role of race and claims that it is rather privilege. She did this in the form of an appeal: “don’t you also feel like” (line 311). She used her past experience as evidence for her claim (“I found” (line 314)) and then went on to provide a detailed example from her current experience at the site. Anna reinforced the claim that the idea of white guilt may not be appropriate, by citing the datedness of the article Kate was referring to (“But that article was quite old” (line 317)). This overlapped with Elle’s defence, such that they were both refuting the ideas about race at the same time.
Elle’s defence included an admission of being dishonest about her watch to children at her community site in order to appease her guilt. The watch was a declaration of privilege which she tried to reject. Whilst she claimed that, upon reflection, she understood how having a watch may position one as privileged, she still seemed reluctant to accept this positioning:
“and I’m now this privileged person” (line 328). Through her use of the term “now” (line 328) she indicates that she has been identified as someone she did not previously consider herself to be.
The guilty subject is also constructed around unmet expectations and disappointment at the community site. In the excerpt below, the students were discussing the difficulties of exiting their sites:
Elle: I said we were supposed to have finished with our course (.) before exams 1313
Carol: Yes yes 1314
Elle: But then there was that whole like lingering [well what is actually gonna 1315
happen]
1316
Kate: [Ja::: (...) it’s just]
1317
like a face change 1318
Carol: Ja disappointment 1319
Group: Mmm 1320
Elle: And we don’t actually know (.) how we want to leave as well 1321
Carol: Interesting (.) that you feel guilty 1322
Lisa: ( ) guilty ((Very soft)) 1323
Kate: Ja 1324
Lisa: But is that a bad thing = 1325
Anna: = I feel guilty that I have that we haven’t done the flippen library but I 1326
shouldn’t because that’s a resource 1327
Carol: HA HA HA HA [ha ha]
1328
Anna: [It’s like] maybe I should phone my dad maybe the 1329
company will donate 1330
Carol: Ja ja ja (.) ja quick fix 1331
((52.56 -53.00: Overlapping talk – unclear)) 1332
Anna: What it’s all [about and what it’s all about is soo:thing your conscience]
1333
(Session 7)
The talk started with Elle expressing her concerns about what would happen at the site.
Kate used the term “a face change” (line 1318) to indicate a lack of honesty in the context. I framed this as disappointment and the group agreed. Elle added a claim of uncertainty to the state of disappointment: “And we don’t actually know (.) how we want to leave as well”
(line 1321). I framed this as feeling guilty and that this guilt was an object of interest. Lisa added an echoing “guilty” (line 1322) which was very softly spoken, and Kate added her agreement with “Ja” (line 1324). Lisa questioned whether a sense of guilt was necessarily a bad thing, and Anna interjected with the reason for her guilt (unaccomplished tangible outcomes) and a quick fix solution. My loud laughter accompanied Anna’s admission of guilt and the group dissolved into much overlapping talk. What can be heard from this talk is Anna’s conclusion that “what it’s all about is soothing your conscience” (line 1333).
The participants in the talk were trying to manage difficult feelings, trying to ease our consciences. This was attempted by claiming ignorance and uncertainty (“we don’t actually know” (line 1321)), by suggesting quick fixes (“I should phone my dad maybe the company will donate” (lines 1329-1330)), by sharing and processing the feelings together, and by reframing it as not bad: “is that a bad thing” (line 1325).
Being positioned as the guilty subject places responsibility on this subject for her oversights or neglected duties. In this context, it is also an admission of privilege and position relative to others. The guilty subject is able to express remorse and search for means to make amends, in order to ease her conscience. Adopting the position of the guilty subject is also rhetorical, in that once the subject has confessed her guilt, this closes the argument; she has admitted her wrongdoing. Being the guilty subject also constructs notions of atonement;
the confession contains an unspoken request for pardon. As the participants shared this construction, this way of being was normalised, and no one was identified as the only guilty party.