Succeeding at School
Step 3: Promote Emotional Regulation
When your child was a toddler, you may have used redirecting as a way to prevent a tantrum or calm a crying spell. Maybe you played peek- a- boo
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or introduced a beloved toy or carried your child to a different environ-ment. While those methods may no longer work for your older child, the idea is the same: sense the approaching emotional struggle and be a comforting resource.
Nate’s Story (continued)
As I pieced together the full picture of Nate’s home and school experiences, it became apparent that without a healthier emotional life, there would be no way for Nate to thrive. As I got to know Nate better, I could recognize when his anxiety was increasing.
Sometimes, I could divert his attention or reassure him before he fell apart. Other times, Nate’s anxiety increased so quickly that I could do nothing but watch and, after some time, pick up the pieces.
Sometimes during these outbursts, I would pull one of Nate’s favorite books off a shelf and flip through it. Eventually he’d notice, and when he had calmed down a bit, he would come over to join me. Books that were of high interest to him distracted Nate from his troubling thoughts. My looking at his books also signaled that what was of interest to Nate was of interest to me. Nate soon learned that no matter how out of control things became, I would remain calm and connected to him. And once he calmed, we would make a decision, together, about what to do next. Sometimes we’d stop for the day. Often we worked a little bit more. It was important that I was willing to accept either outcome.
Your child will, without a doubt, become upset while you’re working together. Here are some important tips to help you be a stabilizing, open, and compassionate parent.
Be calm and patient. Being with a child who is in an agitated state can be an uncomfortable experience; our instinct is to fix what is broken as quickly as possible. But some things can’t be rushed. In fact, there is very little we can actually do to bring about a rapid change in a child’s state of mind.
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Help calm your child if he or she is agitated. As long as your child has a safe and secure relationship with you, your attentiveness will help him or her be calm and emotionally regulated. Be sure to adjust your interac-tions to suit your child’s needs when he or she is agitated. Some highly agitated children need an embrace, whereas others need some space.
Use physical proximity to enhance your child’s focus. Humans are social creatures, and children in particular require a sense of closeness to adults with whom they feel safe and secure in order to stay focused.
Physical proximity helps children better regulate their emotions and is essential for healthy brain development (Hughes 2009). By staying close to your child during homework time, he or she will be more focused and regulated. As your child is working, you can review homework that has been completed or help organize your child’s backpack, binders, and study materials. If it’s not distracting to your child, you can try engaging in activities of your own, such as getting caught up on emails or reading.
The goal is to stay nearby while your child is working.
Model emotional regulation. Adults often become unsettled by a dys-regulated child, and when adults display their agitation, children grow even more upset. It’s critical for adults to understand that remaining emotionally regulated is an enormously demanding task for a child.
Through great, conscious effort, children can remain emotionally regu-lated at school; the moment they get home, however, they no longer have the mental energy required to regulate. This is why so many children have their meltdowns at home after school. If you remain calm, your child will be better able to calm him- or herself. When you can move forward after a meltdown without expressing judgment or imposing con-sequences, children are more willing to engage in homework.
Keep It Low and Slow
In my first few years as a middle school teacher, if I felt my class was getting really amped up and frenetic, I would often fall into being reactive: raising my voice, picking up my own tempo in response. By my third year of teach-ing, I discovered that exactly the opposite is what’s indicated in situations
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like this. Rather than ratcheting up my own behavior when my students got amped up, I began to pull it down: I learned to move slowly, talk as little as possible, keep a benevolent expression on my face, and show my comfort in the situation. As my students began to observe the changes in me, they calmed down and became more regulated. This works as well in the home as it does in the classroom. Keep calm, and your child will eventually follow suit.