Succeeding at School
Step 7: Stay Patient and Positive
Struggling children, especially children with LBLDs, are exposed to huge amounts of corrective input from adults. It’s very important to make sure this feedback is not shaming, particularly when your child feels that he or she has failed.
Nate’s Story (continued)
Over time, Nate began to invest more and more energy into his schoolwork. I remember the first time he actually studied for a test.
It was a science test, and he wanted to start studying for it the day he learned about it. This was momentous in and of itself.
Forming a Strong Bond with Your Child 65
We had about a week to study. Every day, Nate spent hours trying to memorize science vocabulary and learn scientific concepts.
It was hard, but he was determined, and he worked as diligently as I had ever seen him. But in the end, he got a D on the test for which he’d studied so hard.
It’s a pattern I see all the time: after a tremendous investment of time and energy, the initial attempts do not always result in high marks.
Adults need to be very careful about how we respond to these nascent efforts, even if (or especially when) they don’t result in good grades. Here are ways to proactively respond:
Accept that progress will be slow. Always keep in mind that progress is not linear, especially for a child with an LBLD. Progress is often said to be two steps forward and one step back. It is simply not realistic to expect equal improvement across several categories at the same rate.
Value responsibilities over results. Place a greater stock in your child being a responsible student than in getting good grades, especially during his or her early efforts. Being a responsible student means giving consis-tent effort, finishing assignments, turning in assignments on time, and studying for tests. If your child is consistently working to understand his or her academic material and is given appropriate opportunities to demonstrate his or her knowledge, the grades will eventually follow.
Avoid using reward systems. It has been my experience that reward systems frequently backfire. A child may become so preoccupied with the reward that he or she is unable to engage meaningfully in the task set out before him or her. In addition, a withheld reward, in the eyes of a child, can feel like a punishment (Kohn 1999). Focus instead on the internal reward both you and your child will experience through a successful collaboration. Engage in activities that honor your relation-ship and are done regardless of school going well. Such unconditional rewards are an effective means of maintaining positivity over time, no matter what.
Prioritize collaboration. As I’ve noted earlier, working— and playing—
together reaps countless benefits. Indeed, prioritizing the value of effort
66 Helping Your Child with Language-Based Learning Disabilities
and collaboration over other considerations promotes a growth mindset and further learning (Dweck 2007). Nothing feels more rewarding than having worked hard toward a goal together and having achieved it, especially when it’s done in the context of a healthy positive relationship.
When your child is struggling, build in some quality time together—
these experiences are frequently the basis for a lasting healthy connection.
Respect your child. Be aware of what your child is really capable of doing, and do not force him or her to do something that will exceed his or her capacities. By treating your child with respect and injecting posi-tivity into his or her life, you will be tilling the ground for positive learn-ing experiences and overall progress.
Nate’s Story (continued)
Establishing a positive collaboration with Nate took a long time. It took him time to develop the skills that were emerging slowly. It took him time to learn that he was capable and clever. But by the time Nate reached high school, he was happily anticipating going to college, which he did— and it was a privilege for me to see. Watching Nate over the years taught me that a positive relationship can change a child’s life. And when he graduated from high school, I gave Nate the baseball glove he’d used every time we played catch— just to remind him how far he’d come.
Conclusion
For a child, the trauma of doing poorly at school frequently results in the formation of negative thoughts that can be deep and lasting. If left unchanged, a negative self- image can detrimentally impact a child’s life well beyond school. A critical step in bringing about positive change for your child and you in the face of school- related trauma is working together in a highly collaborative way. The awareness that your child can be successful when working collaboratively with you is itself positive thinking.
Forming a Strong Bond with Your Child 67
With the right help, at the right time, and in the right amount, all children can experience tremendous success at school and in life. Keep in mind these key steps designed to help you and your child heal through positive change:
Step 1. Identify the problem
Step 2. Break the cycle of negative feedback Step 3. Promote emotional regulation Step 4. Embrace the value of play
Step 5. Adjust homework and how much you help Step 6. Intervene during a crisis
Step 7. Stay patient and positive