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for instance, your child points to your genitals or asks questions about your genitals while you’re going to the bathroom, taking a shower, or changing clothes. Second, and more importantly, we want to reassure you that this is totally and completely 100 percent normal. Genital curiosity begins at a stage before most children are even able to contemplate the complications of playing doctor or house. And if children are exposed to family members of another sex, then they often want to know why their private parts look different from their own. All of this is a normal part of how young humans learn about bodies.
Cunt-parisons
Given how common it is for children to explore their own genitals and those of other children, you might wonder what happens to this genital curiosity as children get older. Some children don’t do much exploring for years. They may be satisfied with having learned about the differences between boys’ bodies and girls’ bodies, or they may have been scolded for touching their own genitals or those of a friend and feel scared or embarrassed to touch themselves or ask to see another child’s body again. Other children continue their exploration. As children become more “sex-segregated”—meaning that girls tend to play mostly with other girls and boys tend to play mostly with other boys—some of this genital curiosity turns into genital comparison. Women in our research studies have talked about comparing their vulvas, and specifically their labia, with their friends. Also, in her book Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang, comedian and author Chelsea Handler wrote about learning to masturbate at a sleepover at a childhood friend’s home.3 Like teenagers and adults, children compare bodies and genitals both because they are curious and also because they want to know if they are
“normal.”
As a professional dancer early on in my career (I was perhaps 20), I was in a show where everyone was super comfortable and we were always naked in our dressing room. I remember some of my friends comparing labia one day and for me, I had never stared so closely or had such an up close look at a vagina other than mine. I found it fascinating. I loved seeing how different they all were. I haven’t had much opportunity since then (aside from porn) as my partners have all been men.
—KATE, 28, Canada For many other body parts, the “am I normal?” question is an easy one to answer. If we want to know whether our ears are large or small, all we have to do
is look around at other people’s ears. After all, ears are everywhere and easily seen. The same is true for noses, butts, and even—to some extent—breasts (though it’s not always so easy to tell what’s real or not due to padded/enhanced bras and breast implants). From these comparisons, we can usually identify where we fit along the spectrum of height, weight, breast size, nose size, ear size, and so on. We may not be thrilled with what we notice, but at least people have a sense of where they belong and the knowledge that others are like them.
Vulvas are an entirely different story. How are girls or women supposed to know what other vulvas look like? Vulvas are not noses or even breasts. Even in leggings or bathing suits it can be tricky to see any genital detail. When we’ve asked this question to groups of men, they often are quick to suggest that there are plenty of opportunities for women to compare and contrast genitals, frequently citing the locker room as a good place to get a sense of what other women’s genitals look like. Those of us who spend time at the gym know that’s not the case, though. First, it feels creepy and inappropriate to stare at other women’s genitals when uninvited. Second, few women parade around the gym completely nude. In our gym experiences, women seem to spend only a short amount of time naked before putting their clothes back on. And third, even when women are nude, there’s rarely much that one can see. Pubic hair, for those who keep it, conceals some parts of the vulva. Also, unless a woman parts her legs, there’s not often a lot to see. Vulva parts are naturally kind of “hidden” between a woman’s legs.
The first real one I saw was my sister’s—when she needed me to help her apply some medication. I was surprised, and I think pleased, that hers and mine looked so similar.
—MAGGIE, 61, California If women aren’t able to get a sense of what other women’s vulvas look like from being in locker rooms or other public spaces, then what opportunities do women have to learn what’s common or not when it comes to vulvas? Friends?
Perhaps. Some women may compare genitals with friends. Lovers? Yes, but this is only true if a woman has a sexual partner who also has a vulva. Even for the minority of women who do have female sexual partners, they may only have a limited number of female partners, thus giving them a limited view of the diverse range of vulvas in the world.
So, how are women supposed to know which genitals look “normal”? For all women, the story is likely a little different. We have both found that the vulva pictures that we show in classes or presentations are sometimes the first images
of vulvas that women have ever seen (including their own). Other women have seen the vulvas of friends, lovers, or family members. Yet, those women who are curious about the appearance of women’s genitals who don’t have access to other women’s genitals may seek out the information from a variety of other sources.