CHAPTER 5: HETERO- AND HOMONORMATIVE INFLUENCES ON GAY AND
5.7 Discrimination on campus: Experiences of “the closet”
5.7.1 The closet
not acting differently. Bambi, Edgar, Ikai, Mukwevho, Richy and Skylar acted the same with everyone. “I am gay regardless of who I’m with” (Ikai). Skylar did not believe in “putting up a façade”. Bambi did not “need” anyone in her life that did not “accept” her. Brett, Eric, Granger, Henry, Max, Ndlovu and Padro thought they did not need to change themselves – “as you grow as a person, you realise that” (Lee). All Ndlovu’s friends treated her “equally” and, as such, she did not feel “the need to act different”. Brett and Max’s straight friends knew they were “gay” and they were therefore not required to “act different”. Brett added he always tried to “facilitate” his straight friends “to be more open-minded to other gay friends”. Padro preferred to “observe before saying something”. Matthew did not need to act differently because he “naturally acts straight”.
Carol also stated that people could not determine her sexuality from her behaviour.
The following section focusses on how participants navigated the closet in spaces on campus (section G, Addendum B) and their experiences of discrimination (section F) in these spaces.
May) or “violence” (Hein, May) for their own “physical” and “emotional well-being” (May). The closet is referred to as a “phase” (Edgar); a “metaphysical space” for hiding “gayness” (IDK); as
“living [one's] life in secret” (Mukwevho); and as a “safe haven” for someone to “understand” and
“accept” themselves (Matthew). Sienna believed that some persons are “taught gay isn’t ok, and even if you’re gay, you can act straight or choose to be straight”, resembling above-reported stereotypes that gay and lesbian individuals are just “confused”.
5.7.1.1 Exhibiting or inhibiting sexual orientation on campus
Participants were asked whether they were out of the closet on campus. Max commented on context-specificity in this regard:
I am not going to walk into the gym’s locker room just as twenty buff guys are about to take off their clothes then loudly announce that I am gay, and I find their bodies hot. That would literally be insane, as they would most likely feel ashamed or threatened by my “gay” presence and I might get into some serious trouble. However, if I am just hanging with my friends or a conversation leads to that direction, and I know that there is no reason to be secretive about my sexual identity.
Only Martha, Padro and Tanya reported not being out of the closet on campus. Martha feared losing her job if she came out. Tanya reported being in the closet because she wanted “to feel safe because I fear judgement and persecution by straight people”. Others, including Padro, for example, were not in the closet due to the support of significant others. This allowed Ndlovu “to be comfortable expressing [her] sexuality on campus” – a thought echoed by Heidi, Lee, May and Yellow. May added that she was also able to “physically protect” herself. Additionally, if Brett was approached on campus, he would make his sexual orientation “obvious” in order “to get that out of the way”. Lindsey thought her sexuality was “public information at [that] point” because she was “active in the LGBT community” on campus.
According to Skylar, “[w]hen you wear your sexuality like armour, it cannot be used to hurt you”.
Participants also indicated being out on campus because they “accept[ed]” themselves, were
“comfortable” (Eric) with themselves and were not “ashamed” (Bambi) of themselves. Carol, Matthew and Mukwevho indicated being “tired” of living according to societal expectations.
Matthew stated “either someone is with me or against me”. Mukwevho thought being in the closet was “not nice” and stated “[y]ou live your life like you’re looking over your shoulder”. Similarly, Carol could be “more free and open with [her] preferences”. While Richy reported he would not
“lie” about his sexuality, IDK did not see “use” in “hiding” herself. Granger noted feeling more comfortable being “open” about herself when her “partner” was with her.
5.7.1.2 Pressures to be closeted
Participants were lastly asked whether they ever felt the need to stay in the closet on campus.
Eric, Granger, Heidi, IDK, Lindsey, Martha, Matthew, Max, Richy, Sienna and Tanya indicated they had felt the need to stay in the closet on campus. Matthew felt he needed to stay in the closet, “because I do not see the need for people to know my business”. Granger, Richy and Sienna wanted to avoid challenges associated with being non-heterosexual. Richy “wanted” to stay in the closet because he wanted “to experience how it would be if sexuality wasn’t a hindrance in any social interaction”. Granger considered it “easier” to stay in the closet than
“dealing with the hate”. Sienna mentioned “straight guys” discriminated against her for being
“lesbian … ‛She’s bitchy, she must be a lesbian’. Like my sexuality has anything to do with my looks or personality”. Eric, Heidi, IDK, Max and Tanya felt this pressure due to being uncertain how people would react to their identities. IDK recalled hiding her sexual orientation while serving on student structures, “because there were so many straight religious people”. Although the
“majority of campus” was “open-minded”, Tanya felt students were “still unpredictable”. Eric and Heidi wanted to ensure the “environment” was safe before disclosing their identities. While working with students who “are very conservative about these things”, Max would hide his sexuality to receive “the necessary respect” and “authority”. Likewise, Martha feared losing her job, “because the Theology faculty is so conservative”. Lindsey also spoke to the conservative hostel environment:
… they are very hostile places to be anything other than heterosexual. I felt immensely pressured to conform and relate to the girls around me, who all seemed to be heterosexual and conformed to heterosexual standards. Standing out was not something I felt comfortable with.
All other participants, excluding Jennifer, had never felt the need to stay in the closet on campus.
Bernice, Carol, Ikai and Skylar preferred not to “hide” themselves. Carol and Skylar had
“accepted” themselves, “and if anyone doesn’t want to engage me because of my sexuality, they shouldn’t”. Bernice added “I deserve to live my truth”. Bambi felt that being on campus was “the chance to be whoever you want to be” without holding back. Brett, Mukwevho and Ndlovu indicated never feeling judged or uncomfortable on campus, even by “lecturers” or “staff”
(Mukwevho). Similarly, Lee felt “society needs to accept that we are out there and not afraid of expressing who we are”. Yellow did not feel the need to stay in the closet on campus because the topic of sexuality did not always come up. Henry only experienced pressure to stay in the
closet from himself, regardless of whether he was on or off campus. Hein did not feel the need because he believed he did not “present as gay”. May could not recall experiencing such pressures, but this could be due to “only spending three months on the actual campus”.
The above sub-section focussed on exploring how participants navigated the closet on campus.
The following section focusses on the discrimination participants had experienced from both heterosexual and other gay and lesbian students on campus.