PART IV DATA ANALYSIS
CHAPTER 7 RELATIONSHIPS AND SEX
7.6 FORCE IS THE MAJOR FORM OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Conflict can be dealt with by power, by rights or via a negotiated resolution. We have seen that there is a limited amount of negotiation between our sample of boys and girls when it comes to matters of sex. There is a reliance on non-verbal persuasion – several boys referred to „skilled hand moves‟ – and on force.
In general, boys believe it is ok to beat a girl in order to correct her and bring about the right level of respecting her:
Paul: Hitting a girl when you are not married yet may sometimes demonstrate that you are jealous in your relationship. You do it especially when you notice that she does not love you anymore, or she has become unfaithful. You may notice that she is joking with you, and has lost the fear that she had towards you. In these cases, you can really slap her to correct her so that she starts behaving correctly as before. After slapping her, she can understand that you love her. Maybe you always blame her for doing this and that or advise her to do this and that but she does not change. She continues to be unfaithful and you do not like her to behave such a way. (Urban boys, Imani Panzi)
Jadu: If a boyfriend beats her girlfriend, it demonstrates that he is not happy of things she is doing in his presence. Maybe he is not pleased of what she is doing and this cannot advance their relationship or build their household in case they are married because they do agree on things. Because of all these, the man is obliged to beat her a bit so that she respects him again [everybody laughs]. (Urban boys, Imani Panzi)
As a number of studies elsewhere in Africa have shown (e.g. Sathiparsad, 2005;
Rakgoasi, 2010), boys believe that beating their girlfriend or wife shows that they love her i.e. that the boy/man really cares about the relationship. The boys also distinguished between beating and „slaps of love‟:
Justin: Hitting a girl that I love, I can say that it really means I love her. If I hit her when she does something wrong to me, it shows that I love her. It can also happen that when we are joking then we start slapping each other, these are only slaps of love. You cannot educate a person that you do not love, a parent educate a child because he/she loves him/her. It is the same when you also love a girl if it is to hit her that can bring her to understand. I beat her so that we remain with her without any problem. (Rural boys, Rwabika Kabuga)
177
Clever: When slapping a woman does not simply mean that you love her. There is always jealousy where people love each other, that means I cannot love her while she loves another boy or I love her and she finds out that I am in love with another girl; there must always be jealousy in the relationship. This jealousy does not only bring me to slap her in order to show her that I really love her but also to advise her. I can also advise her and show her that I love her but I do not like this and that or her unfaithfulness. She ends by understanding; I do not need to only beating her so that she can understand that I love her. (Rural boys, Karhanda)
Another reason to beat a girlfriend or wife is to demonstrate male superiority:
John: Since the creation, we, men are superior, and remain like this to women. Sometimes a boyfriend beats her girlfriend when she makes mistakes, he does not beat her because you love her or you want to correct her but he beats her because he wants to show her that he is superior to her, this is the first thing. Another thing that brings him to beat her is because of doing things that he does not like. Maybe she is arguing with him when he is talking to her.
He has to slap, by acting so it indicates that he feels bitterness of things she does… but overall, he beats her to show that he loves her. (Rural boys, Rwabika Kabuga)
Most female participants approve of being beaten because it shows that they are loved. This was a matter of great debate during focus group discussions, but most participants agreed with it. There was no difference in opinions from the participants living in urban and rural area.
Jessica: I can say that a boy loves a girl when he beats her. For instance there is boy who is violent if he hears people saying: „we saw your girlfriend with another boy‟, he does not leave you time to explain. He is repeatedly going to slap you at that time you start wondering what happen. Your boyfriend if he loves you, he should advise you. Hitting is not kind but there is a given circumstance if it requires hitting, he has to hit. (Urban girls, Imani Panzi)
Florence: There is a man who beats his wife because it shows her that he loves her. This depends on how they live, he can sometimes beat her and it does not mean that he does not love her. There is also a fiancé who can beat you; it means he heard people saying things about you. He beats you because he loves you and wants to show you that you should stand like this and do not be behind him, it means you should only love him alone. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Christiana: There is a man who can beat his wife this depends on mistake that she did, and sometimes you are in relationship your boyfriend can slap you, this is a slap of love. But he
178
should not beat you with a stick as if you are dried beans. Yes there are slaps that your boyfriend can slap you on your cheeks, it depends on the mood in which you are. He can slap you on your cheeks or wherever he wants. There are some men who beat their wives so that they leave their houses but for fiancés, they really cannot beat their friends because they do not love them. They beat them because they love them. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Rehema: Those who say that if a husband beats his wife that means he loves her, I think they are right. Because when he reproaches her for the mistake she did and he beats her, this is to show her that it was not nice. But if he does not love her, he can let her commit mistakes. He can reproach and beat her because he loves her. My fiancé can also beat me because he loves me. He cannot beat me if I do not commit a mistake. The fact of beating me is to show me that he did not like what I did. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Olga: You can be in relationship with your boyfriend but because he shows you that he does not love you he is going to beat you. It is true that you are going to feel that it is no more love.
I can really say that sometimes he can beat me to show me how much he loves me… (Urban girls, Mushere)
However, a few young women believe that while slaps of love may be appropriate in some circumstances, beating is wrong:
Nabintu: I cannot accept my fiancé to beat me. Why should you beat me? It does not mean that because you love me you have to beat me. You can slap me then I say yes this is to show me that you love me. But [if he] seriously hits you, this does not show you that he loves you.
(Rural girls, Karhanda)
Melissa: Somebody who loves you cannot beat you. Even if people say that there is a slap of love, the one of beating somebody until she gets in the hospital is one I do not agree with it.
(Urban girls, Mushere)
Odette: …a slap of love is different. He cannot hit me, and I start crying then I take it as a way of showing me love. There are women who are beaten by their husbands in their households, then you hear people say: „leave her he loves her‟ oh! That is not love, love of hitting somebody. (Urban girls, Imani Panzi)
The majority view of both boys and girls – that beating boyfriends and husbands show that they love their girlfriends/wives – is at one level not logical. Are there no other (non-violent) ways of showing disapproval – and love? Would not these be more acceptable to girls and women? Are girls and women setting a low standard for male
179
behaviour by classifying violence towards them as love? Could it be possessiveness, pride and a lack of self-control? Indeed, some girls saw it as clear attempt by men to demonstrate their superiority.
Neema: It does not mean that your husband loves you when he beats you. When a man raises his hand on you, do you think this is a sign that really demonstrates that he respect you? If he loves you he can correct you in another way. To beat you is to bring you down, and show you that you are under his feet. (Urban girls, Mushere)