PART IV DATA ANALYSIS
CHAPTER 7 RELATIONSHIPS AND SEX
7.3. SEX IN RELATIONSHIPS
7.3.1 GIRLS‟ PERSPECTIVES
Christiana: I can be in relationship with a boy without having sex. First, I have to examine whether he loves me or not. In case he demonstrates that he loves me, then I find that the circumstance allows us to have sex, I can have it with him. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Nabintu: A girl can be in relationship with a boy without having sex; this depends on how you are taking your relationship. In the past, a boy could remain in relationship with a girl and reach the time of marrying her without having sex, but this is not the case today. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Feza: A girl can be in relationship with a boy without having sex, because if you are used to have sex with him he can neglect you. He can be gratified and later abandon you. (Rural girls, Rwabika Kabuga)
Feza maintains that she can be in relationship without having sex, and understands that once a girl has sex with her boyfriend, he can start to neglect her. This action may affect the relationship to the point of breaking it. Christiana also indicates that she
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would need to check first whether her boyfriend loves her before she would be willing to have sex.
Sex is not an obligation
The girls did not see that providing sex to their boyfriends was an obligation. Rather, it showed, they were weak:
Judith: I should only have sex when I will get in my household. Having it before marriage, well, it is like I am giving myself up to somebody as an offering. That is why I say that it is not an obligation. When you marry, it becomes [his] rights. (Rural girls, Rwabika Kabuga)
Olga: It is not an obligation for a girl to have sex with her boyfriend. You can be in relationship with a boy who obliges you to sleep with him to prove how much you love him. It is only the girl who knows what to do in such situation. For my side, I cannot consider having sex as an obligation... From your heart if you do not feel to do it, do not do it... The boy asks you to have it and you cannot refuse because you are afraid he is going to leave you. That is no good; let him leave you if he wants. (Urban girls, Mushere)
Merveille: To give your sex to a boy is something that dishonours a girl. A girl who respects herself should not provide her sex to show a boy that she loves him. The fact of giving herself up to the boy proves that she is very weak. (Urban girls, Imani Panzi)
Furaha: I disagree that it is not an obligation to have sex with your boyfriend. Sometimes you have it at the time you like to have it, and you also have it at the time you find that the boy loves you. The time you find that he does not love you, you cannot have it. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Rehema: To sleep with a boyfriend is not an obligation. Having sexual intercourse depends on time you have spent with him. He suggests me to have sex if I do not have the urge, I cannot have it. But if I do feel it I can have it. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Christiana: To have sexual intercourse is not an obligation but it is one‟s will. If you agree to give it to your boyfriend you can give him. He cannot oblige you to have sex. [If he insists]
you have to leave the bedroom and go out. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Kaufman and Stavrou (2004), in their study conducted among adolescents in KwaZulu-Natal, found that girls provided sex to their boyfriends as a sign of their
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loyalty and appreciation of the relationship and to sustain the degree of affection.
Rehema, like most of female participants, does not like the idea that girls should provide sex to their boyfriends as proof of love towards them. It should be something which both the boy and the girl what at the time.
While girls did not see sex as an obligation, „opening their skirt‟ to a boy is a clear statement that she loves him. This is not a small matter, given that sex before marriage is not acceptable by tradition and may have negative consequences (see 6.3).
Virginity is not to be given up lightly:
Ariane: As African women, what we possess as value is our virginity. Do you imagine if you bring it to that boy and he later disappoints you, what the value will you have? Everybody will look at you as useless; and you will lose your value in society. (Urban girls, Mushere)
When a girl says no, she means yes
An important issue (also discussed from the boys‟ perspectives in section 7.3.3) is whether; when a girl is asked for sex and says no, she means no. the following fairly typical responses from girls perhaps show why boys are uncertain as to where they stand we should distinguish between a no response to a „general enquiry‟ made to a girlfriend about having sex and a request made in the context of an intense physical encounter. In either case, a girl might be persuaded to change her mind Mironyi:
Mironyi: I can say that when a girl says no for having sex this can be understood in two ways:
there are some girls who say „no‟ when they sincerely mean it. Others say „no‟ by expecting boys to negotiate so that they may accept. They may say „no‟ but at the end they accept.
(Rural girls, Rwabika Kabuga)
Kindja: There are some girls who say „no‟ for having sex, because they wait until boys negotiate or wait until boyfriends buy them something so that they may accept. They say „no‟
although their refusal is not coming from their hearts. (Rural girls, Rwabika Kabuga)
Christiana: I find that when a girl says no to a boy for having sex, in refusing so it does not mean „no‟. I know one girl that a boy suggested to have sex with her, and invited her to visit his home at given time, but she responded that she could not come … she came to his place an hour earlier of their convenient time. When her boyfriend invited her to come in his bedroom,
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she pretended as if she did not like to come in. Finally, she responded „I am coming in but I am not going to do anything‟, entering there her boyfriend asked her to take off her clothes she responded „I am going to take them off but I am not going to have sex‟. He also asked her to take off her underwear; she responded „I am not going to take it off. I will do but do not expect to have anything‟ but he finally had sex with her. Now, we wonder why we [women]
always refuse, and we cannot stand on our decision. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Given this ambiguity; it is perhaps not surprising that some boys use force to have sex after the girl says no.
Rakgoasi‟s (2010) research in Botswana found that men believe in gender stereotypes that encourage use of force within relationships. Half the males in his sample believed that males are sexually excited by forcing females into sex, while another 54.2% of men believed that females consider forced sex exciting. In fact, 75.6% of men believe that a woman pretends to refuse sex, but expecting the man to force her into it.
Reasons for refusing sex
A number of girls gave reasons for not having sex, at least unless certain conditions were met:
Judith: There are some girls who refuse having sex because they are afraid of consequences that may later occur. Other girls refuse because boys do not pay them, and find that they cannot give their sex for nothing. Sometimes, I refuse to have sex because I am afraid of what might come later [pregnancy, disease] that I will not be able to endure. (Rural girls, Rwabika Kabuga)
Zawadi: I can first refuse… because if I quickly accept he may think I am a prostitute. Maybe on another day when he asks again, I could accept. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Florence: For a girl to refuse sex, it depends on boys. Because if you agree to have sex with him it will not only be once, he will like it to happen every time he meets you. By asking you to have it with him every time and if you accept he will consider you as his prostitute, though he may have another girl who he trusts and loves more. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Girls believe that if they say yes too quickly, boys will use them (like a prostitute) whenever they want to and, at the same time, will despise them for being weak. „That
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is why you pretend you do not want it, although you long for it in your heart‟ (rural girls, Karhanda).
Rehema: We always refuse to have sex at the first boy‟s suggestion, because is shameful. You also find that if he suggests you to have sex and you quickly accept, he will despise you that is why you pretend not wanting it while you like it. The time you are refusing if he keeps touching your breast, you find yourself having sex with him. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Olive: We [girls] always refuse to have sex while we are accepting it indirectly; it is because we do not like to reveal our weakness. You find that if you show your boyfriend that you like to have it he will despise you. That is why you pretend not wanting it although you long for it in heart. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Girls understand that if they accept an invitation into their boyfriends‟ rooms, the boy is not going to take no for an answer:
Tegra: Sometimes a boy suggests having sex with a girl while he tightly holds her in his arms.
The girl‟s response is as the following: „No I don‟t want, my mum doesn‟t allow me to do it‟
while she is saying it she pretends to become weaker. Then he opens his zip, happens to take her clothes off and penetrates her. (Urban girls, Mushere)
Hervine: You can see a girl pretends to refuse while a boy is touching her breast. She keeps saying no, meanwhile he is opening his zip. She is only surprised when her refusal has become yes. That why I think boys have right to think so, because maybe they have experienced it with girls while they are refusing and saying: „I don‟t like it, I have never done it, and you can see I‟m still virgin I don‟t like it.‟ (Urban girls, Imani Panzi)
A girl may refuse sex for at least three reasons – to maintain her reputation and her self-respect and to show the boy that she can make decisions and is worthy of respect.
Grace: You, as a girl, should respect yourself and let people value you, if you want boys to spoil your reputation, everybody will neglect you. This especially happens when you are in love with a boy, he asks you to sleep with him and you accept... girls can keep secret that is why I can disclose to my friend [a girl] that I slept with him, but my boyfriend cannot keep secret when he meet his friends. He may tell them: „you know that girl, I had sex with her and I do not feel loving her anymore,‟ because his aim was only to have sex. This will spoil your reputation. (Urban girls, Mushere)
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Grace advises girls to respect themselves by keeping away from sex. Her belief, and that of the community, is that when a girl becomes sexually active, she loses her reputation in the community. In fact, boys do not keep secret after having sex with their girlfriends and narrate their sexual prowess.
Christiana: I also disagree that it is not good for a girl to open her skirt to the boy because in doing so tomorrow he will tell everybody: „come I am going to show you where there is food‟
[sex]. From that time other boys will start coming, this one comes today another one comes tomorrow and so on. You will be disappointed and find that people do not respect you anymore. (Rural girls, Karhanda)
Tegra: I also disagree that a girl should not have sex with her boyfriend to show that she loves him, because when she has sex with him his love towards her will decrease. (Urban girls, Mushere)
An interesting idea is that girls can show boys that they can make decisions and are therefore worthy of respect:
Bwamungu: I would like to say that it is not by having sex with your boyfriend that you show your love to him. By saying no, you prove that you can make decisions in your life. For instance, I as a woman should take decision and bring other people to respect me. I have to show a boy that we have also got power to decide. That is why I cannot accept to sleep with my boyfriend. (Urban girls, Imani Panzi)
Neema: A girl should not have sex with her boyfriend to show that she loves him, because if you have sex it can cause you diseases and much trouble. He will no longer consider you with respect that he previously showed you. He will look at you as an object, and think that you cannot take decision as the result he will despise you. (Urban girls, Mushere)