3.2 Western methods of relationship therapy
3.2.5 Imago Relationship Therapy
The most recent method that I have been trained in has been Imago Relationship Therapy. This therapeutic method is based on the relational paradigm. As Hendrix (2005:25) stresses it is based on an ontology of connection where “reality is viewed essentially as a tapestry in which everything is intrinsically connected”. Instead of focusing on the individuals or the system, it focuses on the relationship as the unit of analysis. This thinking is based on the findings of quantum physics, which describes atomic particles as operating in relationship with one another:“emerging, disappearing, reappearing and merging in relationship to other particles” (Luquet in Hendrix, Hunt, Hannah and Luquet, 2005:3). In looking at cosmogenesis, each element in the cosmos is differentiated from other elements and each has its own subjectivity, yet all work together in communion to form all that we see and all that we are. Jordon quoted by Luquet (2005:3) states that “we begin to see reality defined by relationship, continuities, and probabilities rather than by discrete objects and dualities”. Human relationships follow the same process: we are subjective according to our own personality and point of view; we need differentiation in order to be aware of how we are different from others; and we need communion to help us understand and appreciate our oneness with others. Imago Relationship therapists view the couple relationship as the vehicle for personal growth. Through dialogue the couple engages
“in communion and emerges into a higher level of differentiation within connection”
(Luquet, 2005:6). Thus the central process used in Imago Relationship Therapy is the Imago Intentional Dialogue, which enables couples to become safe yet passionate within their relationship. It is a three-step process whereby the therapist facilitates, guides and coaches the couple to firstly mirror and reflect their partner’s point of
Page | 63 view; secondly, to validate it from the partner’s perspective; and thirdly, to empathise with their feelings (Zeilinski, 1999).
One of the premises of Imago Relationship Therapy is that each of us carries an unconscious image of our primary caretakers; and this image, or imago, guides our choice for our romantic partner. Why does one choose a particular person rather than another? There are many factors that contribute to this. Timing is important – one needs to feel ready for love. Proximity is crucial – one needs to be able to interact with each other. Most people fall in love with people who have several similarities to themselves – values, hobbies, family background, and intelligence. However, of great importance is what Fisher (2009) calls the “love map”, which is the result of an accumulation of many, many subtle experiences throughout childhood that sculpt romantic choices. Harville Hendrix, who is the founder of Imago Therapy, suggests that an unconscious connection is made between two people that is the result of the recognition of a familiar culture or climate, which includes both the positive and negative characteristics of the family of origin. The emotional climate of the home contains patterns of relating, connecting and disconnecting that are familiar to each individual in the couple. The reason for the attraction (the Imago match) is unconscious, and initially the individual may only be aware of the positive attributes of their new partner. However, according to Imago theory, there is an equal attraction to the negative characteristics since they are what draw a couple together for one main purpose – the purpose of healing. Imago relationship therapy defines a relationship as a connection between two people with the main purpose of the connection being healing of the past in order to ensure growth in the future. Slade in Hendrix, Hunt, Hannah and Luquet (2005) warns that an overreliance on one’s partner as the source of healing can result in the abdication of personal responsibility for one’s own healing, and she stresses that the healing needs to be reciprocal – not only ‘what can my partner do for me?’, but also ‘what can I do for my partner?’. It is important to be conscious and intentional in all love relationships, because a person can be either wounding or healing in their interactions with others (2005).
In order to be intentional, conscious and healing in relationships one needs to feel safe, and to override the reactivity and defensiveness that arises from the reptilian brain as described earlier in this chapter. In therapy therefore, the Imago dialogue is
Page | 64 also used to explore the parent-child relationship and to determine the wounding that occurred in the couple’s childhood in a particular development stage. This helps to determine what emotional needs are incomplete, so that the relationship partner can help to heal these. Partners are assisted to “honour and empathise with each other’s childhood wounds, give full expression to their anger and their sadness…. and stretch to meet each other’s needs. This program [the Imago therapeutic process] seemed to restart their arrested childhood development and help them achieve emotional adulthood.” (Hendrix, 2005:18). Growth is then possible in that the individuals can feel safe enough to claim and celebrate the hidden and denied parts of themselves, and behaviour change is possible. As well as using the Imago Intentional Dialogue to explore the childhood wounds, the dialogue is also used to close exits to the relationship, such as addiction and affairs; to share the vision for the relationship and to express appreciation. When coaching the use of the Intentional Dialogue, the Imago therapist also uses techniques such as giving sentence stems and doubling. Instead of asking a question, the therapist gives a sentence stem such “When you get come home late I feel...” which the speaker/sender completes, directing it to the listener/receiver.
Doubling occurs when the client is battling to express themselves, and instead of asking questions, the therapist very tentatively offers a full sentence to see if it fits such as “When you come home late I feel unimportant, neglected and lonely”. This often helps the clients to clarify their feelings even if only to indicate this is not what they feel. Both these techniques deepen the couple’s dialogue with each other.
Thus Imago is phenomenological as it uses biological information to explore the relational space between the couple. Similarly, it uses this theoretical background when working with groups of people - a variation of the Imago Intentional Dialogue called the ‘communologue’ is used with groups of people in organizations, in the community, and in business. This has been used throughout the world in sensitive political contexts such as the Arab/Israeli conflict (Schleiffer, 2005; 2015).
This relational paradigm, that uses cosmogenesis and sees the world as one, fits with the African world view that sees mind, body and spirit as one; and views humans as closely linked to the natural world. In addition, ancestor respect, acknowledgement and worship may find some meaning in this therapy’s premise of primary caretakers influencing choice of partners and the relationships themselves. The effort to connect
Page | 65 with this source of influence is then made easier. However, although the concept of parents and ancestors having an effect on the present day relationship may resonate with Zulu couples, the Imago Intentional dialogue does not fit with the concept of ancestor veneration. The Imago Intentional dialogue may also not fit with the concept of ukuhlonipha, as although active, respectful listening skills are taught, the couple is required to validate and empathise with the other’s point of view, which could be counter to the expectations in a patriarchal society. Further discussion of the use of Imago Relationship Therapy will continue in response to this study’s results in the final chapter.
In concluding this discussion of the different types of therapy, it is important to note that they all have very different epistemologies that evolved in response to each other - moving from the linear model of cognitive behavioural therapy, to the circular thinking of Milan family therapy, to Narrative therapy with its concepts of multiple realities, the multi-systemic community family therapy, and then Imago Relationship therapy that uses biology and cosmogenesis to explore the relational space. In each of these methods, the exact process of therapy as well as the role of the therapist is different as they reflect their epistemology. However, of great importance is that in spite of this, the underlying philosophy for all of them is still based on the Western world view.