The above results were confirmed in my discussions with the FAMSA social workers in Durban and in Pietermaritzburg with examples from their own lives. In view of this, I will not repeat them. However, the main objective for speaking to the FAMSA social workers was to develop best practice guidelines in professional marriage counselling with Zulu couples so this is the focus of this section.
The process of the marriage counselling interview
The social workers at FAMSA Durban and FAMSA Pietermartzburg both stressed that the social worker needs to treat their clients with respect. “Social workers are rude because we don’t greet properly”. According to the social workers at FAMSA Durban, usually strangers, and particularly women, do not shake hands, but it is wise to wait for the man to extend his hand first if he chooses to shake hands. The respect includes the usual guidelines for manners that are instilled in social workers at university such as don’t talk whilst they are talking, give them enough time to talk, listen well, put the phone on silent.
When asked about giving biscuits and water as a sign of respect, the social workers in Durban said that a lot of mothers would put the biscuits straight in their bag to give it to their children at home (an example of ubuntu), and they do not take glasses for water as these get stolen from the offices that they share with other organisations in the community. FAMSA social workers often use offices at court. This can cause misunderstandings. They stressed that part of the role induction and orientation at the beginning of the first interview was to explain that the man is not under arrest, but the social worker is there to help both of them to improve their marriage.
Page | 171 Another fear, because gender is such an entrenched issue in the Zulu community, and because the wife often comes for help first, is that the two women (the social worker and the wife) will take sides against the husband, so this needs clarification during orientation. However, “because even to just to voice your opinion, you [the wife] are not allowed” it is important to listen to her voice. Yet at the same time according to one of the FAMSA Durban social workers “women are hiding behind the [women’s]
rights. It is not her right to not be a good wife. The government is not between them, the marriage is between them.” Thus it is important to explain to both that you need to get both of their opinions. “It’s a shift from traditional ways to a more modern way to talk about things together so you can understand each other”.
The social workers mentioned that they teach life skills such as conflict management, but use this to teach respect. They will introduce themselves by their title and surname e.g. I am Mrs Sithole.” Both FAMSA Durban and FAMSA Pietermaritzburg social workers spoke about using the Zulu title of Ma/mama or Baba with their surname e.g.
Baba Zondi. This was explained as Ma/mama and Baba are titles of respect in the Zulu community, but as they are professional social workers and do not have the status of being a child, they use their clients’ surname. “You are there to help them, you are not their child”. Age can be an issue, especially bearing in mind the respect that is given to the elderly. Clients often call the young social workers “my child”.
They might say “when you hear my story, you are going to cry with me, so I don’t want to even start with you. Go fetch me someone who is old.” Another example given was “... after I have undermined this child”.
According to FAMSA Durban social workers the rituals that occur throughout an individual’s life instil a sense of belonging to the family. However they stressed that the way the rituals are performed is changing. Thus for example there was the suggestion that urbanisation and modernisation increased changes that occurred in rituals as opposed to change that would occur as a natural evolution of a culture. Of interest was that although the rituals gave the family members a sense of belonging, the format of the traditional rituals differ from area to area depending on the particular sangoma that was consulted. This difference also arose because the family elders would protect the information on the process and the meaning of the ritual, and so young people were seen as disrespectful if they asked questions about the rituals. As a
Page | 172 result the social workers at both FAMSA Durban and FAMSA Pietermaritzburg considered that it was very important to determine the level and types of use of ritual in the relationship when taking a family history in the first session. This information needs to relate to what rituals each person experienced growing up, the rituals used in the process of getting married, as well as the rituals they have used with the children.
This will give an indication of the sense of belonging that they both have to the extended family, and it may highlight potential problems.
An example mentioned was that if the whole family contributed cattle or money to the ilobolo, there may be family expectations and obligations that the makoti needs to work for all of the husband’s family, whereas according to the FAMSA Durban social workers, she only has obligations to do work for her parents-in-law. There may also be resentment built up from the husband’s family if the couple do not live at his parents’ home, and so the makoti is only present to do chores in his childhood home when she visits, yet they have all contributed to the ilobolo.
Finding out about the rituals and the extent of belonging these give when taking the history will also allow the social worker to determine the extent to which both members of the couple are accepted in each other’s family. The FAMSA social workers agreed with the meaning behind the kist as reinforcing the permanence of marriage, but said that there is a marriage song that says “don’t kill her, don’t beat her, if something is wrong, bring her back”. As a result they felt it was possible to challenge the idea that once the wife belonged to her husband’s family there was no turning back. However as one of the social workers mentioned it is the choice of the individual how they respond to a marital problem, and not where they live:
If you stay there, you must go forward. If your marriage fails, you still go forward. You must...
A benefit of the family as opposed to the individual contributing to the ilobolo occurs when the sister’s ilobolo that was received is used to help with her brother’s ilobolo payment. It is an example of the family and community’s interconnectivity and the cyclical flow that can occur.
Page | 173 One of the changes that the social workers noted was that with female headed households where the matriarch is the bread winner and the male is absent, she will use her own (male) relatives for ilobolo negotiations.
When discussing respect with the social workers of both FAMSA Pietermaritzburg and FAMSA Durban as part of the group discussion in Phase 2 of the research study, it was apparent that in all cultures there are certain practices of respect, particularly towards the elderly, many of which are similar. However, in the Zulu community the practices of respect were seen as crucial. Although during the marriage process the bride is instructed in the role and dress expectations of her husband’s family, one social worker mentioned that the traditional dress code that is prescribed by the husband’s family is more relaxed now that many of the older generation have relaxed their own dress as a result of modernisation. However the expectation is that the bride still needs to be “respectful in her doings”.
It is important, as suggested by both the FAMSA Durban and Pietermaritzburg social workers, to clarify in counselling the couple’s and the in-law’s role expectations, as well as the expectations of general practices of respect, because of the complexity and the high importance that is placed on hlonipha. Although not only a Zulu problem, in law issues are exacerbated because of the obligations and expectations of the makoti.
One of the social workers mentioned “if you have to go there on Saturday, your body will start changing on Wednesday”.
When discussing the issue of respect or hlonipha, it is important for Western social workers to be aware that respect does not only relate to individual respect, but also to respect for and from the family, and respect for and from the community. Thus it is important to discuss the expectations of both of their roles within the community, the family and the couple. An example of this that a social worker gave was that if the wife comes home late, even if she speaks to her husband respectfully and calls him by the correct title, her behaviour will be viewed as disrespecting him by the community, which is unacceptable. Thus, another example given was that even if the mother-in- law gives permission for the makoti not to wear the “doek” or head scarf denoting a married woman, the community would judge her as disrespectful if she went bare- headed. Her compromise was to wear the doek in public, and the rest of the time to
Page | 174 keep it in her handbag. Thus on one hand, hlonipha can result in social conformity and rigidity, yet conformity as Darley and Blankson (2008) indicate is also viewed highly in Zulu society.
Both the FAMSA Durban and the FAMSA Pietermaritzburg social workers did not agree with Nwoye’s (2000) suggestion that the counsellor acts as judge to determine if and who is not complying with traditional role practices, that they need to admit fault, and apologise. The FAMSA social workers in both Durban and in Pietermaritzburg stressed that because the Zulu cultural practices are in flux, the role of judge or adjudicator has no real value when a couple seeks help, rather the couple needs help to negotiate these.