Mapping the study: Some guiding Principles
Part 2 5.8 In the field
5.11 Is there a place for dreams in qualitative research?
any solution for them. While I subscribe to the concept of research for social change (Schratz & Walker, 1995), my experience with the women teachers in this study made me more aware that change could be negative or positive. My hope and intention was for the women teachers to be able to change their personal and professional situations for the better. But then how do I guarantee that the change does become positive, how do I guarantee that whatever decisions they take in relation to their lives do not become harmful to them? This is one of the risks I have had to face in researching a sensitive and taboo subject such as sexuality, which I am still not sure how to work through.
On the other hand, Rager (2005) suggests self-care tips that researchers can use when dealing with emotionally taxing research, which I used. I recorded my emotions during the research in a journal and used peer debriefing to dispel anxieties that came up during the field work. I found myself relying on discussions with colleagues during cohort university research seminars and talked about how being involved in the research had affected my personal and professional lives.
Looking back on the journey we took, I do not regret conducting my study the way I did.
It was an experience that changed my life as well as my participants‟ lives. Schratz and Walker (1995, p. 137) succinctly sum up my feelings by stating that “we cannot understand who we are except through social action, and we cannot engage in such action without inviting change. None of us is an island entire.” Clandinin and Connelly (2000, p.
85) have also observed that “enhancing personal and social growth is one of the purposes of narrative inquiry.” Thus I am less fearful of my sexuality and am much stronger today because of my interactions with the participants.
Dream A
I dreamt I was cooking in the kitchen when my ex-husband came in from work looking furious. “You don‟t even ask why I am so upset. It seems I am not needed in this house. You have a man who is satisfying you heh!” While I was still trying to figure out what to say he slapped me across the face. I ran into the bedroom but he caught me and raped me. Then he walked out of the bedroom. As he walked out of the door he said “Let‟s see if he still wants you now!”
“But where are you going?” I ask
“Where I am needed and appreciated, that‟s where.” He banged the door behind him and left the house.
I woke up feeling scared and looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings of my aunt‟s house and I remembered that I was doing my fieldwork. “It must have been a dream” I thought to myself. A sigh of relief escaped my lips and I went back to sleep. This dream was significant in the research because it happened the night after we had discussed the drawings of the woman self. This discussion had been emotionally draining and we had cried a lot. The night of the dream is the night I had cried myself to sleep because of all the pain I had felt at reliving my traumatic marriage.
Dream B
I dreamt that I was sleeping stark naked and uncovered, in a ground floor bedroom with the windows and curtains open. Some strangers were passing by the window and commenting on my naked status and I could hear their comments in my sleep. I was however not affected by their comments. I told myself in the dream that there was nothing wrong with being naked because what they saw on me was the same for all women.
I remember that when I woke up the following day I was shocked at the absurdity of the dream because I have never slept in the nude as far as I could remember. I even reflected on what happened during the previous day in order to have some sort of explanation on the dream. I asked myself “was it something I wore?” However I remembered that I had worn my typical clothes (a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a hat), nothing revealing. I dismissed the dream at that moment because I could not relate it to anything that could help me to make meaning of it. The dream, however, stayed with me for the rest of that day.
Dream C
I was in a room with my sisters-in-law (my brothers‟ wives) when my lover came into the room and started kissing me. We continued kissing in the presence of my sisters-in-law who were shocked. Instead of stopping we continued to have sex right there in front of them as if we were the only people in the room. I had the most earth shattering orgasm I have ever had. In the dream I did not feel ashamed of having had sex in the presence of other people and I just told my sisters-in-law that it was a natural thing to happen to anyone.
Strangely, I woke up immediately after this dream and found myself sweating profusely and out of breath as if I had been running. I was shocked at having had such a dream. I was asking myself “how could I even dream of having sex in the presence of other people? How could I be so uncouth?” Unfortunately I had no answers to these questions.
I really felt uncomfortable with this dream and thinking about it made me feel vulnerable somehow. I remember asking myself what could be the meaning behind the dream, but I fell asleep again and never bothered about the dream until I had another strange dream.
Dream D
I dreamt that I was having a bath in my flat on Edgewood campus. When I was through with bathing I could not find my towel or bath robe. They had miraculously disappeared. As I was searching for them, the walls of the bathroom suddenly disappeared and I was in full view of my flatmates and their visitors. I just walked out of the bathroom past them to my bedroom without even trying to cover up.
I remember that after this dream I became really worried about the trend my dreams were taking. I started reading about dreams and their meanings. I found out that when one dreams of oneself naked it is because they are either in a position of vulnerability or they have exposed something that should have been kept secret (Hearne & Melbourne, 1999).
I was surprised because I did not feel vulnerable and I did not think I had exposed anything that should have remained a secret. The truth of the matter only crystallised for me when I had a discussion with a colleague who related the dreams to my study. She told me that she thought the dreams were related to the private and taboo information on issues of sexuality that I was placing in the public domain. My emotional engagement with the research was highlighted through the dreams. I think my dreams reflect a part of
me with the desire to not be ashamed of my sexuality or afraid of vulnerability and exposure, while in waking up the part of me invoked is that which is fearful and ashamed.
I believe that the self reflected in the dreams is a self I want to be, while the self reflected in my waking up is the self which has been socialised to feel ashamed of sexuality. Thus with each dream, trying to emulate my dream self, I learnt to be more open with the women teachers and we explored our vulnerabilities together.