SON: “Mom, will you take me to my game? Mrs. Howarth can’t drive today.”
MOM: “I don’t know. Did you ask in a nice way?”
SON: “Sure. What’s this all about?”
MOM: “Yesterday I learned from you that asking in a nice way
doesn’t get the job done. Remember that little episode when I asked, in a nice way, for you to go to your room? What did you teach me at that time?”
SON: “I don’t know.”
MOM: “You taught me that asking in a nice way doesn’t mean all that much. I’d appreciate your giving that some thought. And some day when I feel better about your level of cooperation, I’ll be glad to help out.”
This brave mom did this expecting her son to start begging, complaining, grumbling, and laying on guilt, which of course he did! You probably wonder, Did she give in and drive him to his game after hearing his begging and complaining? Did she ask, “Now, have you learned your lesson?” Absolutely not! His angry behavior proved to her that she needed to provide this important lesson for her son. Think about this. Do kids learn best from hearing about consequences, or do they learn best from experiencing them?
gathering their things to leave for some shopping before the mall closes.
All except for Aidan. He’s blowing bubbles through his Coke straw, he’s playing airplane with his French fries, and his teeth have no more than nibbled the edges of his hamburger bun.
Mom, her face resembling a Technicolor explosion, says through gritted teeth, “Hurry up with that thing! We’ve got shopping to do.”
Aidan responds by buzzing his hamburger with a fry. He’s heavy into everything but eating. Now Dad jumps into the fray: “Can’t you do something with that kid?” he asks his wife. “The stores will be closed by the time we get out of here.” Mom grabs Aidan’s burger and tries to guide it into the child’s face, but Aidan is not buying into the “Open the hangar wide for the airplane” bit. His jaws clamp shut like a bear trap.
Next come the threats: “You hurry up with that thing, or you know what’s going to happen to you? We’ll go shopping without you and leave you here.” Aidan picks up his burger and holds it about two feet from his face as if there is at least a mathematical possibility that he might comply with the parental order.
Soon the corners of his mouth begin to tighten into a curt, self-satisfied smile. When Dad sees it, he jumps out of the booth and yells, “Okay, that’s it! We’re going shopping without you, and do you know what’s going to happen to you, buddy? Cops are going to come get you!”
Aidan, no doubt, is thinking something like this: Look at me. I’m only six years old, and I’ve totally controlled these two adults for twenty minutes without even opening my mouth. What a power trip! I control their tone of voice, the color of their faces, and whether or not they make fools of themselves in public. The last thing on my mind is worrying about being picked up by cops.
Who’s Controlling Whom?
Aidan’s parents blew it entirely in trying to make him eat his food. Aidan had total control over what went down his food pipe. Had his parents offered him choices instead of making demands — had they taken only as much control as they absolutely needed — they would have been able to
put Aidan in control on their terms. But how?
Two Ways to Leave with Me: Hungry or Not Hungry
Love and Logic parents would say, with a smile on their face, “No problem, Aidan. My car will be leaving in five minutes. There are two ways to leave with me: hungry is one way; not hungry is the other.” That gives the parents as much control as they need. They don’t need to control whether the burger goes down the child’s throat — in fact, they can’t control that. But the parents can control when the car leaves.
By offering Aidan the choices, the struggle is transferred inside Aidan’s head. Aidan’s too busy to argue — he’s weighing his choices, Hungry … not hungry … hungry … not hungry — and Mom and Dad have five minutes of welcome tranquility. They gain control by relinquishing control. However, many parents, after issuing the alternatives, would be tempted to harp and nag while the child is making up his mind. They might say things like, “Don’t forget, my car is leaving in three minutes. If you don’t eat that food, you’re going to be hungry. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night, and there won’t be anything to eat. It’s going to be a miserable night.” These sorts of reminders are put-downs. Cut the kid some slack. Aidan’s smart enough to remember the choices he’s been given.
Let Your Kids Know That Handling Them Is No Sweat for You
The old saying “Never let them see you sweat” applies here as well as in most Love and Logic encounters. Kids will take advantage of parents who give the impression that controlling them is difficult or that they have the power to aggravate their parents. Such frustration sends the covert message to the child that “I am difficult to handle. I must be a problem to my parents,” whereas handling them easily with choices sends the message, “Dealing with me is no sweat for my parents — in fact, they seem to enjoy it! I must be a pretty good kid since I am no problem for them at all.”
Human beings crave emotion. In fact, most folks believe God wants His people to love Him, so maybe even He craves emotion. People will
pay big bucks to satisfy their cravings. Indeed, the most-requested speakers, the most sought-after entertainers, and the world’s greatest sports stars are among the most highly paid people on earth. What do they have in common? They all stimulate our emotions.
There are a number of emotions effective in modifying behavior. Stark terror, for instance, brings quick response, but there’s another common emotion almost as effective as stark terror. This emotion, generally given by adults to kids, affects children’s behavior far more frequently than any other emotion. What is that emotion so frequently given to children?
You might guess love, but actually love is often very slow in motivating behavior. Not only that, it’s often not effective. People who love each other often hurt each other the most. Love is important, for loving parents generally raise great kids. But to children, everyday, plain old love can be a little boring. It’s not the movies about love that they love to see! Which movie do most kids want to see: Jurassic Park (about dinosaurs dining on humans) or a sweet little love story like Sleepless in Seattle? Most kids would rather see a dinosaur eat a lawyer in an outhouse any old day!
But by far the most effective emotion for modifying children’s behavior is the showing of frustration. From a kid’s point of view, frustration is an irresistible mix of wonderful emotions. Adult anger and adult loss of control — no kid could ask for anything more exciting! As a matter of fact, we all love frustration and loss of control by others. Most of today’s sitcoms and many comic strips are based on frustrated authority figures.
The toddlerhood game of peekaboo and the subsequent, “Oh, no! You see me!” is often based on mock frustration. Kids love mock frustration.
“Oh, no, you beat me to the car!” Whenever adults show real frustration, they give off vibrations of strong emotion, usually anger, and then delightfully declare they have no control in the situation. Frustration almost always indicates a loss of control. This is the irresistible combination frustration shows: The parent turns red, lights up, gets noisy, and hands control to the child. Now what kid wouldn’t want that?!
Using the tools and techniques of Love and Logic when raising children is a parent’s best insurance against feeling frustrated. Love and Logic parents may feel sad for their child, they may be empathetic about the consequences the child suffers, but Love and Logic parents are generally far too effective to be frustrated!