PEARL 21
Grades, Underachievement,
heaven knows what all.
The following chart helps us clarify when we should be concerned about our children’s performance:
In sum, when kids perform like turkeys but want to become eagles, they eventually fly like pros. But when they perform like turkeys and feel like eagles, they never get off the ground.
With report cards, as with many other issues, children want pizzazz.
They want parental emotion. On an unconscious basis, it doesn’t matter whether the parental emotion is positive or negative — they’ll shoot for it, regardless. Thus, when children return from school offering a report card of mixed quality, parents should enthuse over the positive and be nonemotionally insistent about the negative. A discussion might go like this:
DAD: “Hey, a big A in art! That’s great! You always did like art, didn’t you?”
CHILD: “Yeah, art is fun.”
DAD: “And a B in gym! Well, of course, you always did run like the wind. And another B in music. That’s really good! Hmmm, a D in
math. Well, I suppose that could be better. Wow, a big B in social studies! It’s important to know history and geography. How are you going to handle the math?”
We should always get involved in the areas in which our children excel. If Marissa does well in science, we spend some time together at the pond looking at critters through the microscope. If history turns Griffin’s head, we explore books that present it in a colorful and interesting way.
When poor grades are discussed, talk in a nonemotional but caring manner:
• “Do you have any plan for history?”
• “What are your thoughts about the math grade?”
• “Do you think the science grade will get better with time, or will it probably continue to go downhill?”
It is important that the questions do not take on a “witness stand”
approach.
In reality, poor grades are not the problem — the reason for the poor grades is. Children get poor grades because of poor self-image, rebelliousness to their parents’ value system, anxiety, depression, learning problems, and a host of other reasons. Sometimes there is an attitude problem. Some of these reasons may call for a different response.
It may be beneficial to have an outsider look at the child’s situation and help the parents decide on an appropriate reaction.
Another way of handling this with children is in writing, especially if a dialogue with them is bound to turn explosive. The following is a sample letter a parent could write to the child as a way of responding effectively to this kind of problem. The advantage of putting it in writing is that the youngster has an opportunity to get the parents’ complete thoughts before having the opportunity to argue or defend. It usually works best to give the letter with a suggestion that the child think about it for a while before responding.
Dear Son,
Why do I want to know where you are and when you will be home?
Why do I expect you to respect me the way I respect you?
Why do I set expectations for school achievement?
Why do I expect you to do your share of the work around the house?
Why do I expect you to be at family meals?
Why do I set limits for you?
I do these things because it is the best way I know to prove to you that you are important to me and that I love you.
Having expectations for you is not easy. It makes a lot of extra work for me to hold you accountable. You test me frequently to see if I really do love you and believe in you.
You came home late to see what I would do, and you found that I limited your going out for a while. You talked back to me to see if I really loved you, and you ended up giving your sassy words a lot of thought while you were doing some of my chores to make up for the energy drain you caused me. You “forgot” to do your chores and were very surprised when I woke you up that night from a sound sleep to finish the chores. You tested me by being slow getting ready for school and missing the bus.
What a long walk that was to school that day. You threw a fit one day at the mall and had to pay for a sitter the next time the rest of us went.
Each time I laid down some consequences for you, it broke my heart. I truly believe that it hurt me as much as it did you.
And it was not easy to listen to you tell me that I did what I did because I was mean. Oh, how much easier it would have been to just yell at you or spank you or even excuse your behavior in some way. My love for you and my belief in what you can become was all that gave me strength to do what I needed to do.
I know that many adults who lead happy lives were once
children who tested the limits of their parents and did not get their parents to wilt under the pressure. They grew up to be educated and responsible and, therefore, equipped with what they need to have the freedom to achieve their dreams. I also know that the world is filled with people who did not have limits as children. You have seen these people yourself. The only life they will ever live is filled with disappointment.
Yesterday you brought home a report card with grades far below your ability level. Please understand that it would be so much easier for me to make excuses for your behavior than to hold you accountable. It might even make me feel better if I could blame your poor grades on your age, your friends, or even your teacher. But I love you too much to let you down that way.
Please give your school performance some serious thought and be ready to share your plans for solving this problem and getting your academic life back on track. Your father and I will be available to discuss this with you on Friday evening. We want you to be prepared to tell us what you plan to do and also explain to us what kind of support or help you need from us.
I understand that you were hoping to go out Friday evening.
Your father and I were planning to do the same. However, we are willing to stay home for this because you are so important to us and we care about the kind of person you become.
In the meantime, we understand you are probably hurting a great deal about your report card. It must be a great disappointment. Please tell your teachers you have our love and support.
Sincerely, Mom
There are several advantages to approaching the problem in this manner. First of all, it gives both the parents and the child time to cool down and put the situation into proper perspective. It gives the parents
time to consult with teachers and counselors. This approach also gives the parents time to rehearse how they want to come across to the youngster when they finally meet on the subject, and it greatly reduces the emotions and power-struggle aspects of the problem. An important factor in dealing with a problem in this manner is that the child gets to learn that the parents’ love and support are the most important issues at hand.