A Tale of Self-Concept
The first day of kindergarten. Big school. Big bus. Big moment in a child’s life. Elena and Brady — two very different kinds of kids — walk through the school doors on that very big first day. In Elena’s head, the thinking goes, School’s probably going to be fun. I’ll get a fair shot. I can learn. School is really no big deal. In Brady’s head, the music is not so harmonious: School may not be that great. I may not be able to learn. I may have a hard time with friends. I really don’t know about this school business.
A child’s self-concept is deeply entrenched by the time that child hits kindergarten, built through the many implied messages he or she received during the first few years of life.
From the moment of birth, a child embarks on a lifelong mission of feeling accepted and being noticed in a positive way.
Elena picked up all kinds of positive messages during her first five years — messages that she was capable, lovable, and valuable. Her parents sent signals that said, “We love you the way you are because you are you.” At a very early age, Elena was given opportunities to do her own thinking. The decisions were about elementary issues, true, but they were decisions
nonetheless. Her parents asked such things as, “Do you want to wear your coat today, or do you want to carry it?”
Brady picked up messages, too, but those messages told him he was not measuring up to parental expectations. The messages he heard said, “We could have a lot more love for you if you would just do better.” Brady was never allowed to decide anything. When it came time to put on his coat, his parents said,
“You get that coat on. You’re not going out without it.”
On that first day of school, Elena had very few doubts about her ability, but Brady was filled with questions, misgivings, and a lack of confidence. When the first assignment sheet was passed out, Elena jumped right on it and gave it her best shot.
But Brady held back. He stalled. He needed encouragement. A voice inside his head said, “You may not do as well as the others. Watch out! You’re going to be hurt.” Brady didn’t want to look bad, so he avoided completing — or even starting — his work.
By sixth grade, Elena will probably have continued in success, every small victory building on an already healthy self-concept. But Brady will probably be apathetic, avoiding all challenges and making life miserable for his parents and teachers.
Building a child’s self-concept begins at home, and it begins from the moment of birth.
Leg One: I Am Loved by the “Magical People” in My Life
The best kind of love is the love that comes with no strings attached. Our love for our children must never be conditional. This is not easy, but the benefits are enormous. Genuine love must be shown regardless of the kids’ accomplishments. That does not mean, however, that we approve of all their actions.
All too often, parents don’t give their kids the chance to experience their love. Some withhold love as a way of making children behave better
or break bad habits. Others, in their zeal to help youngsters improve schoolwork, for example, exert so much “love” getting them to do their homework that the children receive covert messages that real love will have to wait until they improve. These parents express their love through intensity and pressure, forgetting the real signs of love (eye contact, smiles, and so on); and the kids, very tuned in to nonverbal communication, see this and think their parents’ love depends on their achievement in school. In reality, the interaction between parents and children — the expression of love — is far more important than the kids’
successes or failures. Here’s another paradox: Kids can’t get better until we prove to them, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they’re good enough the way they are.
Strong, effective parents say in both their covert and overt messages,
“There’s a lot of love here for you regardless of the way you act or do your work at school or anyplace else.” When this love is combined with pats on the back, hugs, a smile, and eye contact, a tight bond is created between parent and child. Children never get too old for this experience.
(How do you feel when someone treats you this way?) Such a combination packs powerful messages. Kids remember these messages for a lifetime when they come from the “magical people” in their lives — close family members and special teachers. They subconsciously — even consciously — set out to prove that their magical people are correct.
Leg Two: I Have the Skills I Need to Make It
To build children’s self-concept, parents must send messages that tell their children they have the skills people their age need to be successful.
Each child must feel he or she can compete with other kids in the classroom, on the ball field, at home — anywhere kids interact. Children must know that within themselves are the necessary ingredients to handle life and that they have the abilities to succeed.
These skills are learned through modeling. Good parental models help children develop good attitudes and feelings about themselves. To be good models, parents must realize that children are always watching them and taking cues on how to act and react. Wise parents think, Don’t get too
uptight if our children don’t always listen to us, but tremble in fear that they see what we do.