Eating and Table Manners
PEARL 15 Entitlement
COUNSELOR: “So, Danielle, what’s happening in your life that brings you into counseling with me?”
DANIELLE: “It’s my parents. They’re so lame! All they can do is moan about my credit cards and phone bills. They are so living in the past. They don’t get it. There’s lots more important things than grades. And they don’t have a clue about what kids need. My dad bought me this stupid four-door car. He knows I was supposed to get a convertible. Nobody drives a heap like that to school.”
COUNSELOR: “When your dad called to set up these sessions, he told me that money is really tight and that if things don’t change, he will have to consider bankruptcy. Given the situation, do you feel any guilt about the amount of money you spend?”
DANIELLE: “Of course not! I didn’t ask to be born into this stupid family. Besides, parents are supposed to buy great stuff for their kids.”
We’re not sure who to feel sorry for in situations like this: Danielle, her parents, or the future of America. As outrageous as Danielle seems, we all know kids like her. We actually feel somewhat sorry for Danielle.
Once she started to believe that it is her birthright to have everything she wants as soon as she wants it, she was doomed. She will never have enough to satisfy her. Her happiness will depend upon not what she can attain through effort but how others serve or provide for her. She will enter the adult world expecting far too much from others and far too little from herself.
Danielle’s parents tore up their parent license early in her life. By treating her like an honored guest in the home, they became product and service providers instead of parents. As the years went by, they stripped her of the need to act responsibly. As you can tell, she has become more and more dependent on her parents while becoming less and less appreciative of what they provide.
As Danielle enters the adult world, what her parents once provided will become society’s responsibility. And as you can guess, that will never be enough to satisfy her. Entitled people see themselves as victims. Once this sets in, all unhappiness and disappointments are the fault of others.
Danielle’s parents, in their efforts to create a perfect life for their child, failed to teach her that living in a democracy requires personal restraints regarding personal behavior. Her discussion with the counselor indicates that she has no ability to see how her personal behavior impacts others, both in her home and in society.
Many kids arrive at college with wealth they have not earned. They actually have no idea how to attain or maintain their lifestyle other than demanding it from their parents. They have lots of money to spend but no idea how to earn it. In other words, they don’t have a clue that the money they spend comes from someone else’s hard work, sacrifices, and responsibility. They have pockets full of credit cards without the knowledge of how to use them responsibly.
We have major concerns about the rapid growth of entitlement in our young people and its threat to the American way of life. As we study this problem, we have become aware of the beliefs that entitled people harbor.
We like to call these beliefs “The Highs and Lows of Entitlement.” As you read, you will become aware that they are all debilitating beliefs:
HIGH: High need for goods and services.
LOW: Low pressure to succeed or hold down jobs.
HIGH: High amount of time to party.
LOW: Low amount of time to devote to accomplishment.
HIGH: High expectations of others.
LOW: Low ambition.
HIGH: High resentment of those who require them to achieve through study and effort.
LOW: Low appreciation for the opportunity for an education.
HIGH: High demand for entertainment and excitement.
LOW: Low awareness of the sacrifices made by their parents.
HIGH: High willingness to defy society’s traditional rules and values.
LOW: Low respect for adults and leaders.
HIGH: High inclination to find substitute “highs,” such as alcohol and drugs.
LOW: Low respect for society’s traditional rules.
These problems and beliefs don’t start when kids leave high school.
The foundation for these beliefs is created early in life. Actually, this problem is started not by kids but by parents who fail to set reasonable limits for behavior. It is normal for kids to want what they see advertised.
However, many parents don’t do a good job of helping their kids distinguish between a want and a need. Young children don’t naturally place limits on themselves; that is the parents’ job.
We often hear parents say, “I don’t know what’s wrong with kids. They want all this stuff.” These parents act as if they don’t have a say in the matter. This is not unlike the parents who can’t understand that the reason their kids watch too much television is because they allow it. These are the parents who have torn up their parent license. It doesn’t have to happen to you. Wise parents do three things:
1. Hold tight to their belief that kids need to learn how to get what they want through their own personal effort and struggle. After all, finding success after such efforts builds positive self-esteem.
2. Develop skills for setting and enforcing limits and boundaries.
3. Surround themselves with like-thinking friends so that they don’t have to listen to the mistaken beliefs of those who are busy creating entitled children.
Your Kids Can Be the Fortunate Ones
Obviously, until universities, high schools, community leaders, and particularly parents work together to provide a culture that encourages coping skills by allowing children to experience the fruits of their good and poor decisions, the culture of self-indulgence will be hard to overcome. Thankfully, though, we have seen many parents who are successful at helping their kids avoid the infliction of entitlement.
Parents who study and use Love and Logic parenting techniques increase the odds of raising kids who do not show symptoms of entitlement.
Fortunate, indeed, are the children whose parents are willing to let them struggle for, and earn, the goods and services they want.
Fortunate, indeed, are the children whose parents subscribe to the
“matching funds” approach. These parents help their children buy goods and services after the kids earn and save a portion of the cost.
Fortunate, indeed, are the children whose parents expect them to do their fair share of the work required to maintain a household.
Fortunate, indeed, are the children whose parents set loving limits, give their children reasonable choices, and allow consequences of those choices to prepare them for the adult world.8