W
hen parents divorce, the casualty list includes more than the husband and wife. Kids suffer too. They may experience mood swings, defensiveness about being touched, elimination problems (younger children), hyperactivity (grade-school children), back talk (teenagers), and general problems with schoolwork, lack of interest, and laziness.Such behavior is often part of a normal grieving process and can be alleviated by following these ten guidelines for divorced or divorcing parents. (Remember that there is no way to make it good for the kids. In their eyes, divorce is a disaster. These guidelines are offered as a way to make a bad situation a little better.)
Guideline One: Expect children to handle the divorce about as well as the adults handle it. If the parents are bitter, angry, and noncommunicative, the children will probably behave in much the same way.
Guideline Two: Let the children know that the divorce is not their fault. As adults, we know children seldom cause divorces.
Nevertheless, some children may think, If I had been a better kid, my parents wouldn’t be divorcing . A parent can say, “Isaac, you know that some kids are friends and then decide they can’t get along.
Well, that’s kind of what has happened with Dad and me. But we both still love you.”
Guideline Three: Be honest about feelings and observations.
Parents need to tell their children, without details, how they feel about the ex-spouse and why. It is also helpful to give the other parent’s point of view. But bad-mouthing the ex-spouse backfires.
Guideline Four: Understand children’s misbehavior without excusing it. Encourage your children to express their feelings, but continue to give consequences for misbehavior. Parents must never tolerate disrespect.
Guideline Five: Give children a support group. Children need someone outside the family to talk with — school counselors, teachers, peer groups, or friends of the family.
Guideline Six: Post-divorce counseling for parents and children may help. When communication is poor and distrust rampant between the adults, counseling is almost always helpful, especially if both adults would really like things to improve.
Guideline Seven: Don’t use your children to gain information. No matter how tempted you are to interrogate your children regarding your ex-spouse, it is generally best to refrain. Children sometimes give their parent answers he or she wants to hear. They can figure out what the parent is looking for. If one parent is looking for evidence that the other is a jerk, the kids will feed that desire.
Guideline Eight: Handle visitation issues directly with the ex- spouse. It is never wise to send messages to the ex-partner through the kids. If you want that person to know something, contact him or her directly.
Guideline Nine: Children need “moms” and “dads.” In the case of a remarriage, it is best to encourage children to call stepparents
“Mom” and “Dad.” Kids won’t forget who the “real” parent is. It’s important to offer the children this option but not force the issue.
Foster remembers a time in therapy when the child said, “I always wanted to call Susan “Mom” but I was never really sure she wanted me to.” What to call the authority figures should at least be discussed.
Guideline Ten: In the case of a remarriage, the birth parent must completely back the stepparent in discipline. The parent must let the child know that his or her new spouse is a lifetime partner.
Divorce occurs in just over half of our families today. While this is regrettable, it should be faced honestly and used as an opportunity to learn how to help our children develop coping skills. Sometimes parents worry about when to tell their children about an impending divorce, but when is not nearly as important as how the children are told.
Overdoing apologies indicates guilt. Not surprisingly, many children take advantage of guilt-ridden adults. A guilty-sounding parent may unknowingly be conveying, “If it weren’t for my problems, you wouldn’t be acting this way, so you have every reason to complain, treat me with disrespect, and behave inappropriately.” Instead, Love and Logic parents are not overly apologetic.
In talking with our kids about divorce, we might follow the example of how this mother counseled her daughter Courtney:
MOM: “So, Courtney, do you think you’ll be affected by the divorce, or will it have no effect on you?”
COURTNEY: “I think it’s pretty bad.”
MOM: “Why’s that?”
COURTNEY: “I don’t want you to get divorced from Dad.”
MOM: “But you know we fight all the time.”
COURTNEY: “Yeah, but I try to be good so you won’t fight.”
MOM: “Do you think we fight over you not being good, or do we fight over other things?”
COURTNEY: “I don’t know.”
MOM: “Well, I want you to know that your dad and I do fight a lot,
but frankly, most of it isn’t over you. We’d be getting a divorce even if we’d never had children. You know this divorce makes me feel troubled.”
COURTNEY: “I don’t want you to be upset.”
MOM: “Well, I am, honey. I thought I would be married to your dad for life. But we’ll make sure you still see him a lot, so you don’t
have to be upset just because I’m upset. You can decide for yourself how you’re going to feel.”
The message divorcing parents should send to their kids is, “This isn’t going to wreck your life. I know you can handle it. It might be hard, but we will all be okay.” The kids will have a much easier time if the parents are positive.
Using Love and Logic Between Two Homes
Unfortunately, when kids have two homes because of divorce, discussions like the following happen all too often:
JEN: “Dan, how could you let me down like this again? I think you do these things just to undermine what I’m trying to do with our daughter! You know exactly why I had to tell her she couldn’t drive for a month. Nicole took my car without permission and stayed out all night. I was worried sick! You said you would support me by not letting her drive, and then you turned around and gave her your extra car to drive. How are we supposed to make her responsible if you reverse every decision we make?”
DAN: “Now, Jen, you don’t have to be so upset. I was going to call you and tell you I think you’re overreacting on this. She’s just a kid, for Pete’s sake! What she’s doing is just typical teenage stuff. You need to cut her a little slack. Maybe if you’d lighten up a little, you’d both be a lot happier.”
JEN: “Wait just a minute, Dan! That kind of behavior might be typical for some teenagers, but it’s not how all teens act. She’s
crossed way over the line lately, and it’s getting worse all the time.
She doesn’t feel that she has any limits at all, and I can see why.
Every time she misbehaves, you’re there to excuse it away and turn me into the bad guy for trying to hold her accountable for her
actions.”
Here we see two divorced parents embroiled in a classic struggle. It could be competition for Nicole’s love on Dan’s part, but it probably goes deeper than that. Dan is a caring man who doesn’t like conflict. He lives to make sure that his daughter is always happy. Playing the role of the good guy is easy for him. It fits right into his lifelong pattern of conflict avoidance. It also helps him deal with his fear of losing Nicole to her mother.
Jen, on the other hand, is left with helping their daughter grow into a mature, responsible person. She knows that this can happen only if she sets limits and holds Nicole accountable for her actions, but this is difficult for her, as it often puts her in the role of the bad guy. In spite of this dilemma, she tries to hold the line with Nicole even in the face of unintentional, but very damaging, acts of sabotage by her ex-husband.
Both Jen and Dan are making several mistakes that continue to lock all three into a vicious cycle: Nicole misbehaves, Jen punishes, and Dan overturns the punishment.
Dan’s Mistakes: Dan is willing to sacrifice Nicole’s long-term happiness and quality of life in exchange for her short-term happiness. He fears the loss of Nicole’s love and lives with the mistaken idea that she will appreciate and respect him in the role of her protector. Overturning his ex-wife’s discipline also gives him a chance to make Mom look bad.
He doesn’t realize that Nicole may eventually view him with contempt for sabotaging her relationship with Mom.
Jen’s Mistakes: Jen holds on to a fantasy that she and Dan are a team.
If she couldn’t get him to cooperate when they were married, what are the chances that this will happen after they’ve lived through the pain of divorce? Even though it’s unlikely that Dan will suddenly change his tune and begin to back Jen’s discipline, she holds on to the hope that he will.
Based upon this false idea, Jen imposes consequences that must be upheld when her daughter is at Dan’s house. This gives Dan both the opportunity and the power to rescind the punishment and place himself in the role of Nicole’s hero.
Jen’s primary mistake is believing that she can make both homes work the same. This is one of the tragedies of divorce. All the energy she uses trying to make this happen is energy that can be spent on things she can actually control. Another mistake is trying to reason with Dan about this problem. Her discussions with Dan only give him yet another opportunity to attack her parenting attempts, and the worse the problem gets.
Jen’s Solution: Once Jen realizes that Dan won’t support her rules and consequences for Nicole, she can quit asking him for something he is unable or unwilling to give. This means she will start imposing consequences that are carried out only during the time in which Nicole is staying at her home. This puts her back in control and reduces some of her disappointment and resulting anger over not being supported. She needs to practice the following statement and use it often:
Dan, in the past I have made the mistake of trying to make your home run like my home. I promise not to do that anymore. I won’t tell you how to handle Nicole when she is with you. If I see her needing discipline when she is with me, I’ll handle it here without asking you to deal with it while she’s at your place. And you are welcome to do the same.
Her next step is to share her love and her thoughts with Nicole.
Because their relationship is strained, it is unlikely that Mom can get all of her thoughts out without facing a counterattack. Teens are experts at arguing each point until what starts out as a discussion soon becomes a fight.
The solution is for Jen to put her thoughts in writing. Notice how her letter begins with a wonderful attention-getting strategy.
Dear Nicole,
I need to apologize to you. I’m doing it in writing just in case you want to revisit my thoughts in the future. Please don’t feel a need to respond right away. I just want you to think about this for a while.
I have made a big mistake not being open with you about the fact that your dad and I often differ on how to be parents. I have spent too much time trying to make him be the same as me.
That’s not fair to you or to him. We both love you very much but have different ways of showing it. By trying to make him do things my way, you have been caught in the middle of our unhappiness. This often happens in marriages and especially happens in divorces.
My way of showing my love for you is to work hard to help you become a good person. To do this, I have to hold you accountable for your actions. This means I also have to be prepared for you to be angry with me for a while.
The mistake I have been making is to ask your dad to discipline you over things that happen in my house. I’m not going to do that anymore. You and I will take care of those problems without involving Dad. Dad can deal with any problems that come up at his house without interference from me. I hope this will be less confusing for you.
You are growing up with two different kinds of parents. As time goes on, you will have plenty of different thoughts and feelings about each of us. Please remember that we both love you very much. I hope you know the divorce was not your fault.
I hope you know it’s okay to love both Dad and me at the same time.
Love, Mom This was a tough letter for Mom to write. There were many things she wanted to say but knew better. She wanted to share her feelings of anger
and hurt toward Dan. She felt a twinge of desire to tell Nicole how irresponsible she believes Dan to be. She wanted to scream out, “Your dad is messing up your life! Look at me! I’m the one who really cares!”
Instead, Jen walked the much healthier and nobler path. Why? Because she realizes that each time she criticizes Dan, she drives Nicole further away. Even though Dad rescues and excuses Nicole from her poor decisions, he’s an important part of her life. If Mom were to bad-mouth him, it would do much more damage than his rescuing behavior. Nicole will learn some positive things from Dad, and from Mom she will learn how to take good care of herself and be responsible. Mom’s staying out of the blame game will allow Nicole to sit back, watch her parents, and gather what’s good from each. After all, isn’t that what we all want for our kids?
Naturally, if, for example, the mother provides the child more rules or is forceful about higher expectations, the child will often say, “I like Dad’s place better.” Human nature pines for freedom — even the freedom to be self-destructive. A loving parent needs to assure her child by recognizing the feelings, explaining the situation, and sticking to her guns with high expectations, perhaps by saying something along the lines of:
Honey, I’m sure that in some ways, Dad’s home is more fun, and it must be irritating to be expected to do all the chores you do here. I can understand that. The wonderful thing is, down deep, I know that you realize that when you do all the things I ask, it helps you grow to be a helpful and responsible adult. Thanks for your understanding.
Recognize, too, that sometimes the structured parent doesn’t provide her child the freedom to explore. The child will have opportunities to choose and learn from mistakes that the other home offers. The important issue is that children learn to recognize that when in Rome, you do as the Romans do: Different expectations occur in different locations, and that’s life.