Crisis Situations
PEARL 11 Discipline 101
T
he key to effective discipline is to control only what we can control.We can never make an infant stop crying, quit bothering us, stop sucking his or her thumb, or cut the whining. What we can and should control, though, is where he or she does all these things. If our children ignore our firm “Please stop” once, with no pleading or whining on our part, then they should be given the opportunity to act obnoxiously someplace else
— and that place is in their room. But remember, we are not sending them there to punish them; we are merely giving them the opportunity to pull themselves together. If they come out still angry and obnoxious, we send them back to stay an added five minutes for every year of their age.
We should never forget to show love to our kids. When their good mood returns, they need to be hugged and rocked for doing things right.
Also, keep in mind these three common mistakes that surface during discipline sessions:
First, we can be too tough. Little kids are, at times, no fun. Aren’t we all? Remember, everyone has a right to be crabby and moody at times — even our kids. For example, if we’ve kept our young child up far past the normal bedtime and he or she is a total grump the next day, is it fair for us to sentence the child to solitary confinement? Understanding and common sense go a long way in parent-child relationships.
Second, we can be too lenient, putting up with too much before we issue the “Go” command. Too much malarkey stretches our
tolerance, and by the time we say “Adios” to our child, we may be angry rather than effective.
Third, we may confuse anger with firmness. Firm people may be loud, or may even use a little physical pressure, but firm, I-mean- business people don’t yell and scream, and they seldom show frustration.
Here are nine rules that apply particularly to controlling an out-of- control kindergartner or first-grader:
1. Avoid all physical tussles. For instance, small mothers should not try to maneuver big children to their rooms.
2. Use orders sparingly. Never give a child an order you cannot make him or her follow.
3. Tell your child what you wish he or she would do rather than giving an order.
4. Give a complete “I message”: “I would appreciate your going to your room now so I can feel better about you and me.” (“I messages”
tell why you feel that way.)
5. Sometimes when a request is given, it is wise to thank the child in advance, anticipating compliance.
6. When the child is in a good mood, talk things over, exploring his or her feelings and laying down expectations for the future.
7. Use isolation or a change of location for behavior problems rather than trying to stop the behavior.
8. When things are done right, be emotional. When things are done poorly, be nonemotional, matter-of-fact, and consequential.
9. If you cannot deal with the situation on your own immediately, delay the consequences and recruit ideas and reinforcements from others. Then use your time to find a solution that will both be
effective and fit the crime. Some people wrongly concern
themselves with the possibility of the child forgetting what he or she has done. This is usually not a problem. The ultimate value of
delaying the consequence is for the parent, not the child. It gives the parent time to think and plan.
Here’s how Lisa uses these rules to send her five-year-old son, Blake, to his room:
BLAKE: “Mom, come here right now!”
LISA: “Hey, kiddo, I don’t like it when you talk to me that way. I’d like you to scoot up to your room and give it some thought.”
BLAKE: “No! I’m not going!”
LISA: “Blake, I would like you to go to your room.”
BLAKE: “No!”
LISA: “Blake, I think you are making a poor choice.”
BLAKE: “You can’t make me go.”
LISA: “I don’t want to make you. You are making a poor choice. It would be wise for you to go to your room now.”
BLAKE: “No!”
LISA: “Well, I’m disappointed. I wish you had given it more careful thought. I will have to do something else about this, but not right now. I will get back to you on it. Try not to worry.”
Lisa failed, right? Wrong. She merely handled what she could handle.
She refrained from spanking. She didn’t carry the boy to his room, as he was too big. She also didn’t issue an order she couldn’t enforce. All of her comments were “I messages” — things she could do, not telling the child what he should do. Correct moves. But she didn’t get results. So later she enlisted the support of her husband, Eric. Lisa talked the situation over with him when he returned home from work, and then they engaged Blake in the following discussion at the dinner table:
ERIC: “How did the day go, honey?”
LISA: “Oh, pretty good. But Blake had trouble going to his room.”
ERIC: “You’re kidding?”
LISA: “No, it’s a fact, dear.”
ERIC: “Well, do you think he needs practice, honey?”
BLAKE: “I don’t need practice. I know how to do it.”
ERIC: “You know that when your mother says move, you should move.”
BLAKE: “All right, all right.”
ERIC: “How much practice does he need, honey? A hundred trips?”
LISA: “No, I think probably twenty from here to his room will do.
We don’t want to give him more practice than he needs. Blake’s a fairly smart kid.”
ERIC: “Okay, Blake, you can finish your dinner after you’ve made twenty trips to and from your room. Start now! Fast!”
BLAKE: “But …”
ERIC: “How do I want you to go?”
BLAKE: “Fast.”
ERIC: “How do I want you to move?”
BLAKE: “Fast!”
ERIC: “Thank you. Now move out.”
BLAKE: “Okay, I’m going. I’m going.”
Notice that when Lisa was dealing with Blake, she didn’t cut herself down. She didn’t say, “Wait until your dad gets home.” On the contrary, she stayed in charge the whole time. Later she was even kind, cutting the practice during the dinnertime training session.
As for Eric, he was extremely firm without losing his self-control. He said what he meant, and he meant what he said. Most important, he backed his wife to the hilt. He didn’t allow Blake to drive a wedge between Lisa and him.