7.4 C ATEGORIES DISCLOSING THE CHARACTERISTICS OF BEING THE PARENT OF AN
7.4.2 ADHD and family life
7.4.2.5 The ADHD child and friends
Pelham and Bender (1982) once estimated that more than 50% of ADHD children have significant problems in social relationships with other children. Mothers (Campbell & Paulauskas, 1979), teachers (Barkley, DuPaul & McMurray, 1990), and peers (Johnston, Pelham & Murphy, 1985; Pope, Bierman & Mumma, 1989) find hyperactive children to be significantly more aggressive, disruptive, domineering, intrusive, noisy and socially rejected in their social relations than normal children, especially if they are male hyperactives, and particularly if they are aggressive (Hinshaw & Melnick, 1995; Milich, Landau, Kilby & Whitten, 1982; Pelham & Bender, 1982).
A number of the participants in this study reported on their child’s lack of close friends. These children tend to be very controlling in their interaction with peers, and parents of non-ADHD kids sometimes don’t like their children playing with ADHD children. This can be hurtful for the child, for example in Karl’s case, and for the parent, for example Sandy reporting feeling hurt and isolated by this behaviour.
Belinda feels that Evan and Cathy have improved in their ability to make friends. In primary school, Evan was “teased” and “labelled by the children” and he “struggled socially”. His Grade 1 year was “an absolute nightmare because none of the children liked him”. Going to high school meant being able to “start on a different level” with
“totally new people” and Evan now has friends. Cathy really battled to make friends before she went on Ritalin. Cathy was even sent for social skills training because she
“did not have any friends”. A study by Frankel and colleagues (1997) demonstrated the effectiveness of social skills training for ADHD children. Now that Cathy is on the medication she is “developing friends much better; she’s keeping them”.
In primary school, Tina would steal from Angela to “buy things for the other kids at school”. Angela believes Tina was trying to buy friends. Till today Angela believes that Tina still “buys” friends and does not have any real friends. Tina has got a couple of friends that “she rotates”:
“When one has really had enough of her, she moves onto the next one. And then a few months later she’ll go back to the first one. So, she has a huge social problem. It was evident as a child already; she’s always battled with it.”
Linda believes that Ruth makes friends, but not easily. Linda feels that “long-term friendships are a problem”. Because Ruth is “so strong-willed and so controlling” and has “a tendency to have her own way”, it may “break up the friendship”.
John is very sociable and tends to befriend children younger than him – likely because of the immaturity Pat sees in him. Pat does believe he has “more of a problem” making friends “now that he’s getting older”. John said to Pat recently that the older boys are horrible to him at school and nobody wants to play with him.
Zelda believes that Karl “doesn’t make friends easily”. Karl does, however, have a few loyal and good friends. Zelda feels that Karl tends to make friends with a quiet child. It surprises Zelda that Karl doesn’t make friends more easily, because he is
“incredibly kind”. Zelda believes Karl battles to make friends because he “will go in there and say the wrong thing, and do the wrong thing”. Karl “won’t be invited to every single party or every single thing”. Brenda believes that ADHD children “learn to be hurt from when they are little”.
Aidan has always battled with friends, and Sandy feels it has been “very hard” for her. Even in nursery school, other parents did not want their child to come over to the house to play with Aidan. Last year, Aidan asked Sandy the question she had been dreading: “Mom, how come I never get invited to play at other people’s houses?”
Sandy felt like Aidan’s question “broke her”. Sandy tried to explain to Aidan “that he can’t always be in control – he needs to be less bossy, he needs to give the other children a turn”. Both Sandy and Aidan cried. Aidan does currently have two friends.
Interestingly enough, both his friends have ADHD and take Ritalin. This is perhaps in
keeping with research that shows that there is a tendency for ADHD children to accept other ADHD children as playmates more than do normal children (Hinshaw &
Melnick, 1995).
Up until the last six months, Eve “battled very much” to make friends. “She used to dominate and she really was very bad actually.” Beth feels that at times, other children liked Eve to be in control “because she had the imagination and she used to make up these wonderful games, but the control she would take it too far”. Beth feels that Eve has “matured a lot “ in the area of making friends.
Michelle feels that her children “are not very popular children to play with”. Gary is
“very bossy” and “always wants to be in charge”. Gary has a “few choice friends that can tolerate that, but he is not hugely popular”. Helen, on the other hand, “makes friends easily”, but Michelle believes she “then loses them easily and then she is devastated – totally devastated”. Helen also tends to be a bit “overbearing” and if she can’t get her own way she has a tantrum or starts “crying and howling”. Michelle thinks that “just frightens other children”. Kenneth “doesn’t make friends at all”. He has such bad separation anxiety that Michelle “can’t leave him anywhere for any period of time”.
Carrie feels that Luke has always been quite sociable and makes friends quite easily.
Luke’s two best friends are both gifted. Luke works ten times harder than either of them, and his marks are still way below theirs. So, to fit in with his peers is difficult.
Peter does not make friends easily and “holds back”. Peter tends to stick to one friend.
Rose feels that making friends was not easy for Eugene and he was often the victim of teasing and bullying. He eventually made friends through being involved in sport.
Some of the parents report that their child has no problems making friends. Johan is a “very, very sociable child” and he has very good friends. Marie believes that Johan’s “social skills are wonderful” and “he can let a person feel so good and wanted”. For Mia, the “social side” of school is fine and both girls are very involved in activities at school. Samantha finds that Claudia has friends and was very much “in with the crowd”. Now that a private tutor is teaching Claudia, she misses her friends.
7.4.3 ADHD and the school experience