7.4 C ATEGORIES DISCLOSING THE CHARACTERISTICS OF BEING THE PARENT OF AN
7.4.4 Parents’ concerns and hopes for their ADHD child
7.4.4.1 Parents’ concerns
Some of the parents have concerns and even fears about their ADHD child’s future.
Some parents have concerns about their child staying out of trouble. Two of the participants made specific reference to their fear of their child getting involved with drugs. Two of the parents were concerned about their child driving. This is a realistic fear as studies by Barkley and colleagues (Barkley, Guevremont, Anastopoulos, DuPaul & Shelton) and Weiss and Hechtman (1993) suggest that hyperactive adolescents have a higher incidence of automobile accidents than do normal adolescents.
Others parents worry about the child coping without a parent around to guide them.
Three of the parents have concerns around their child finding a life partner.
Brenda worries about the future because there’s so much conflicting information about Ritalin. If they keep Conor on Ritalin, she wonders how is he going to be when he’s 15 or 16. She wonders what happens when they take him off Ritalin. She wonders whether he is “going to be using medication for the rest of his life”.
“Those are worries that, as a mother, I think of every day. And I’ve got no answer to them. And nor can anybody else tell me. And it’s always: ‘Am I doing the right thing?’”
Belinda worries that Evan “actually hasn’t got an idea” of “what hard work is about”.
She worries about “how he’s going to cope with university, if he goes, or Technikon, and then there isn’t this caring environment around him”. Evan wants to study Mechanical Engineering “and he’s quite set on it”. Belinda and Rob “don’t feel at this point in time that he’s been programmed for that”. They also worry that Evan is not going to be able to create a structure for himself on his own. Belinda realises that they will have to help him in the future and keep checking: “Are you organised?”
“Perhaps that’s going to have to be, until he gets that, sees the importance of it and how he can’t sort of survive without that.”
Angela feels that “Tina doesn’t seem to see a future for herself”. Angela finds that
“frightening”. Angela feels that Tina “must be terrified”. The one thing Tina did suggest was that she goes to England after matric, stays with a friend, and work for a couple of months. Angela feels that “it’s a very good idea”: “Just from the point of view of her then having to grow up.” Tina’s father, however, refuses to allow her to do that. Angela’s main fear for Tina for the future is that she will be on the streets.
Linda sees Ruth as “very charming; she’s a delightful child, very loving child”. But Linda also sees her as “very controlling”. One concern Linda has for the future is that Ruth “might not find a husband like her brother who’s prepared to let her have her way and to do things her way”.
“I mean are you kidding? I mean who’s going to put up with this? Who is going to put up with this? Nobody.”
Linda also worries about whom Ruth is going to be friends with. Linda doesn’t want Ruth to be “a miserable, unhappy child”: “I mean, you haven’t brought a child into the world to be alone, or to have nobody to identify with”. On a practical level, Linda is worried about Ruth driving, “because she’s easily distracted”.
Marie is “still worried about these ADHD children being addicted to drugs easily”. She and Leon have had the experience of Johan experimenting with drugs. Marie “fears”
that Johan will marry “a woman that also has ADHD” and of “them having difficulties in their relationship”. She does realise, however, that he has to “live his life” and “he will sort it out as he goes along”. She will, however, offer her “competencies” if there are “huge problems” so they “can tackle them together, if they want to (Marie’s emphasis)”.
Marie looks “forward to having grandchildren”, but admits she “will be on the look out for ADHD” in her grandchildren.
“I think that it might make it difficult for my future daughter-in-law, but I will also try to explain why I am like that, and what we have been through, and not let her suffer the way that we did - try not to.”
Mia worries about the amount of pressure children are put under at school and how
“they are moving so quickly”. Mia worries about the girls having self-esteem problems. Mia thinks that “everybody wants recognition; it doesn’t matter what recognition you get as long as you feel like you fit in somewhere and you have recognition”. Mia feels that a child with low self-esteem can “go off the deep end, because they don’t know how else to cope”. She does “worry about the future” and she worries that “that they’re going to be one of those kids who gets caught up in the wrong stuff”. She does, however, feel that she has “tried everything”. Mia feels she must give them as much as she can “so that there are no loopholes”.
Samantha worries about whether Claudia is “going to manage to create structure for herself”. She also worries because, although Claudia knows that things like the diet work, she can’t wait to get off it (Samantha’s emphasis). Samantha believes that with Claudia she tends “to want to hold on to her”.
“I would sort of like think that I would want to look after her for longer - like the reason for the shop like – so that she’s got something to go into if she wants it.”
Michele doesn’t “know what is going to happen to them (the children)”. Michelle “will give them all the encouragement” she can “without putting them under too much pressure”. Michelle believes that “more often than not these children fall off the rails”.
“And it’s dealing with that and getting them back on track again”. Michelle is “very anguished about how productive they will be as adults” and whether “they will be able to find their little niche. For any adult it is hard, but for these children.” Michelle hopes that “if at all possible” her children do not “marry ADHD people”. Michelle feels she will also need to educate her children’s spouses.
The next big step for Luke is his learner’s licence. Carrie worries about him driving
“because it has been proven that these children have more accidents than others”.
Drugs remain a concern for the future. Luke has experimented with drugs already,
“because he is very easily influenced”, and Carrie does not “think it will be the end of his experimentation”. To this day, Carrie has a drug test in her cupboard. Luke also
“likes alcohol” and Carrie finds that “scary” because she knows “that alcohol is exactly the same as drugs”. Carrie feels that her boys “don’t know when to stop”.
“If they have a drink, they feel all cool and calm and in control. Then they will go over the top. So that is a worry as a mother, watching them.”
Zelda admits that she worries about the future. Zelda believes Karl will “always cope, no matter where he is, or what he’s doing or whatever”. But because of society’s standards she feels it will take “a lot of hard work for him to succeed”.
Gill and Dylan only “have the normal worries” for both their children as to whether they will get a job.
Beth doesn’t have any real fears for Eve’s future:
“I’ve spent the last I don’t know how many years intensely fixated with a negative sort of projected outcome for her. But not now - now that I see who she is becoming. And it seems that she’s learning and that she’s actually buying into some of the stuff that I’m teaching her. And she’s becoming accountable, and she understands about consequences, and she’s growing in good areas, I feel. I think she will be okay if she carries on like this.”