7.4 C ATEGORIES DISCLOSING THE CHARACTERISTICS OF BEING THE PARENT OF AN
7.4.5 Getting through the day and advice for other parents
and anxiety, whilst earning a living; that he finds someone special who will understand, accept and love him; and, above all, that he will learn how to unselfishly and gently care for and truly love that person in return.”
7.4.5.2 Accept and act
Mia feels parents must act on what they are told. She knows of parents who decide to ignore what they are told and “they never go back; they never do anything about it”.
“And then a year down the line the problems have gotten bigger. Their problems aren’t going to go away; you have to address them…. And the only person that you’re cheating is your child. At the end of the day it’s only the child that you’re cheating.”
The first piece of advice that Samantha has is that parents do not ignore the problem.
Samantha has a niece who she could see has ADHD. She spoke to the mother, and her reaction was: “No, there’s nothing wrong with my kid; don’t talk rubbish like that.”
The child has now been assessed and she has ADHD. The parents “are devastated because they don’t believe it; they think it’s a whole lot of rubbish”. The parents now want to have her reassessed: “But they can have her assessed over and over again until they are blue in the face and they won’t be fixing it.”
Samantha has suggested the diet to the parents, but they persist in saying “there’s nothing wrong with our child”. “And they just won’t accept it.” Samantha admits that she too “didn’t want to accept” the diagnosis and it was hard to “deal with that initial shock of actually hearing it”. But she knew she had to do something about it.
For Zelda “the most important thing” is that you’ve got to “just accept it” and “then to work from there”.
Gill clearly recalls an incident when she was working for a homeopath. The homeopath wanted to visit local pre-schools and talk to the parents about ADHD. Gill remembers phoning one school and being informed: “Parents don’t want to hear that kind of thing.” Gill “was shocked; I was absolutely shocked”. It shocked Gill that parents “would rather bury their heads in the sand”. Gill feels “that’s a big problem”.
Gill feels it was vital for her to be “very open to the fact that this might be Doug’s problem”, and she had to be “willing to explore it”. Gill feels she and Dylan could
“have turned a blind eye and ignored it, but we chose not to”.
“And I do believe, because people look at their children and they expect their children to be little perfect beings. And I don’t know if, when they perceive that there is something wrong with the child, that they take it as a personal
failure. I don’t. I look at my child and I think: ‘Well, he needs my help.’ That’s the way I see it. I mean, if my child was a diabetic, you know. To me there’s no difference. If there’s something wrong, don’t bury your head in the sand;
do something about it.”
Dylan is just as incredulous about parents “who wash their hands of it”. Dylan has experienced such improvements since he started the medication and he wonders
“what might I have been like, or how would I have fared at school, if they had known about it at that age”. Dylan feels he has “only started learning a lot about growing up in the last six months, since I’ve been on Ritalin”.
Michelle feels it is important that parents accept the diagnosis: “If parents find that they are in this situation they have to give themselves over to it. They cannot fight it.”
Carrie concludes: “And you have to accept the condition. It’s not going to go away;
you have to deal with it. And if you think it’s difficult now (Carrie’s emphasis), just leave it untreated.”
7.4.5.3 Have a support system
Brenda believes parents should “find some form of support” because “there’s nothing worse, because as mother you feel – you don’t know what to do.” “And, if support groups are available – if you feel you need a support group – go for them.” Brenda feels she personally does not need a support group. She does find Mike and Brad to be a support though.
Brenda believes that a good support system also extends to the ‘team’ who works with your child. Brenda believes “these children’s lives could be made quite miserable; so you need a good remedial school, a good paediatric neurologist or psychiatrist, and your child needs support. People look at these children as being naughty or lazy – and they’re not, they’re very clever children.”
Belinda also finds that having support helps. She doesn’t attend a support group, but she has contact with other mothers who have ADHD children. Having a friend in the same situation is “a good support system for each other”. She also talks to some of Evan’s friends about ADHD – “like we talk about it, and can laugh about their antics”.
For Belinda, humour “is a saving grace and creates a feeling of connectedness”.
Angela’s “support system in all of this” is her partner Pam. Angela believes you “have to have a very strong relationship to live through this”.
Sandy’s husband is her support system. Sandy also had the opportunity on the parent course run by ADHASA to meet other moms with ADHD children:
“And we all had something to share. And we’re all in the same boat – one way or the other. And it’s just nice to know that there’s somebody out there who’s got problems just like you, if not worse problems.”
Mia believes that “having a support system is vital and especially to have your husband behind you”. Mia feels that Dave “has been fantastic” in all of this. “He is my support system in all of this”.
Pat advises that parents have someone to speak to who understands the situation, be it in the form of a friend or a support group:
“And sometimes we don’t even talk about the kids. It’s just to speak to someone and when they say: ‘You know what, he broke his toothbrush this morning.’ And I’ll say: ‘Don’t worry, he’s done that three times already.’ And you think: ‘Well at least he’s half normal.’”
At one stage Samantha did attend an ADHASA support group, “and we used to go to the evening meetings and that”. Samantha, however, doesn’t “have the time at the moment” to attend meetings. At present Samantha feels her support system is just herself, which is dangerous. “I just push myself and that’s probably why I feel like I do - I feel burned out.”
Beth was also a member of an ADHD support group, which she “found very helpful”
in that she realised that she “was not the only person in the whole world with this challenge, or this child”. Michelle has found ADHASA to be “very supportive” and although she doesn’t have time now, she used to attend one of their support groups.
Michelle also found you can also get individual counselling from them.
Carrie feels that the support groups have a role to play, “particularly for those parents who are just starting out on this road”. Carrie was involved in a support group and being involved gave her “a sense of knowing that I was on the right track”. Carrie does feel that you have to take what they say and “adapt it to your own situation”.