MDLETSHE
2.2.4 INTERVIEW WITH MSONGELWA ZONDI DATE OF INTERVIEW: 15 March 2002
DATE OF BIRTH 1925
PLACE OF BIRTH : Kwa-Mzimba DATE OF MARRIAGE Not sure
STATUS Retired Primary School Teacher
Question 1: Tell me about your life as a young man.
I grew up here, at the village of Kwa-Mzimba. I used to help my father looking after cattle and working in the fields. When I turned fifteen I stopped looking after cattle. This is the time when I could start proposing love to young women. I started having a deep voice and some hairs onmyface. This is when I started seeing girls in a different way. My father now introduced me to ingqwele. I was an ibhungu 28
and I was now always in the company of ingqwele.
Question 2: What did ingqwele teach you?
28Adolescent.
He taught me to respect women. Before I had a girlfriend he took us through regular talks which were lessons on how to handle ourselves with young women.
After theucuceremony he taught me to look after my girlfriend properly as she is now part of me. Ifshe is part of me it means that if I treat her badly I hate myself.
Nobodv should hate his own body. One of the most important things he taught me was aboutukusoma. Pre-marital sex was not tolerated in our time. The young couple,ijongosi and ibhungu, were supposed to ukweba29each other now and again.
They were to meet in the reeds or get to the ilawu (hut) of the woman. We would never force young women to do anything they did not feel comfortable doing. We were taught to respect our woman and that is what we did. Parents knew that isoka and intombi would sometimes spend time in an intombi's homestead without them knowing. They provided for this, in that a girl who is at an age where she was involved with young men would have her own room. However, the young man had to ensure that he was never caughtat a girl's house. You had to make sure that you left the girl's house very early in the morning before the herd boys wake up to take the cattle out to graze. This meeting was not for the young man and the young woman to have sex. They were to meet privately and enjoy themselves without sex.
If they could not control themselves they would have to practise ukusoma. Being in the company ofingqwele means that there are many things to be learnt about being in this stage of growth. Listening to others sharing their stories and the advice of ingqwele contributed to the knowledge I have about relationships.
Question 3: What happened when you were together?
When the young man was spending a night at the woman's hut, and the young man could not control himself anymore he could practiseukusoma. This is for the young man to release himself If the young man forces to have sex with the woman this might lead to the end of the relationship. Itwas understood and accepted as natural for young men to need to have sex. We were not made to feel ashamed of it or that needing sex means you are not able to control yourself. Instead we were given ways to deal with that need without hurting ourselves and our partners. Breaking these rules would result in a lot of shame for both the young woman and the young
29To steal.
man's families. When a girl becomes pregnant it becomes a community affair.
There are penalties to be paid and public cleansing ceremonies for the girl's family.
Asyoung men we were careful that girls did not get pregnant before we had paid ilobolo and married them For our generation that was the only fear we had in sleeping with girls, unlike today where there are all kinds of illnesses that young people have to guard against. Life was carefully controlled and easier for young people then. Both the young man and the young woman were aware that should they have penetrative sex the young woman's parents would get to know about it.
When she goes for ukuhlolwa it would be found out that she is no longer a virgin.
This would lead to her being ostracised and to the young man paying a fine for having made the young woman his wife. Such a situation might lead to the young man and woman getting married, evenifit is against their will. The young man would have to share with the ingqwele, and the young woman with the iqhikiza.
about what happened when they were together.
Question 4: What happened after ucu?
This was a ceremony every young man wished to have held in his honour. It symbolised an important stage in a life of a young men. Girls were difficult to convince then, so this felt like conquering a mountain for us as young men. Women would sometimes make us wait a whole year for an answer. What happens at the ceremony is ukubekwa kwendwangu emhlophe3o. This white flag is displayed at the entrance of the house of the young man. This is a public declaration that the son of the house has fallen in love. The parents of both the young man and woman know nothing about what has happened. They will only get to know about this courtship when abakhongi come to negotiate about the marriage. Parents are not directly involved with the love life of their children. Iqhikiza and ingqwele were the main teachers. From now onwards the village will get ready for the pending marriage.
Courtship and marriage was not a private matter between two people. Itwas a village affair. This was very good for the fidelity of those getting married. The young man would not dare become unfaithful because they would have the white flag flying at the entrance of the house forall to see. A young man would be bringing shame to his father's house ifhe went looking for other women while there
30Displaying of a white flag.
is a flag hanginginhis honour outside his father's homestead. The whole family would know about a young man's love life. This kept the young man from doing wrong things and the same thing was true for the young woman's family. We were closely monitored.
That is why young people today fall into all kinds of temptations because they are doing things in private. It is very easy to give in to temptation because no one is looking or interested. Inour days you feU in love because you were looking for a possible wife unlike these games we see our children playing today. This is a stage when the two families would be working on their new status as relatives. Gifts would be brought to the family of the young woman(ukwaba). This would be the beginning of the two families visiting each other, getting to know more about each other. They would also be planning for the marriage(umgcagco), which would be the final stage of the marriage. '